


All At Once (Dan Avidan/Reader Insert)

by axolotlNerd



Category: Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party (Band), Skyhill (Band), Starbomb (Band), The Northern Hues (Band)
Genre: A lot of sad stuff, Depression, Emotional Healing, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Hospitalization, I Suck At Writing Smut, Kidnapping, Light Hair-pulling, Light Praise Kink, Murder, Mystery, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, be warned, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-08-12 07:20:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 33,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7925716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axolotlNerd/pseuds/axolotlNerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are (Y/N). After the suicide of your father, murder of your mother, and disapearence of your brother, you are left alone in this world. You are fired from your job, left with no income, and after your land lord tried to convince you to pay your bills with your body rather than your cash, evicted from your San Fransisco apartment. With nothing left but an MP3 player and headphones, you plan to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. </p><p>But something stops you. </p><p> </p><p>(For the sake of the story, you are assumed to have a brother.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bridge

This was it. I stood on the bridge, looking at the watery surface below me. The salted water reflected the street lights of San Francisco, the waves gently capturing the moon’s essence as it hung high in the sky.

I desperately wanted to say that this was beautiful, but I knew it wasn’t. The water may have been beautiful, but the reason I was here could never pull a gaze away from their phone, and make someone stare slack-jawed in awe like this moon lit ocean would. 

My bare heels sat lightly on the edge of metal under them, my shoes having been abandoned behind me. Despite the fact I came here of my own volition, my hands clung onto the railings for dear life. I looked at my hands, seeing the white knuckles of my strain to hold on. I wondered. I could loosen my grip just a bit, let my hands go from the strained pale white to it’s usual tone… Just lean forward and let the ocean claim what truly belonged to her…

_“Not yet. You haven’t tormented yourself enough just yet.”_ A voice whispered to me. The torture, the pain, it lasted through every second of every day. Why was I convinced I needed more? It would be so easy. Simple and flawless like the people who tormented me. Closing my eyes, I felt my fingers slowly slip off the railings, letting air flow past as the water rushes close and- 

I open my eyes. Still holding onto the railing, knowing it was nothing but a daydream. A sick, sadistic, torturous day dream. ‘So easily, it’ll become true.’ I told myself, actually loosening my grip until I almost fell off the edge. My heart jumped, leaping into my throat-

“Hi.” A voice said. Calm and sweet, it reached to me, making me panic and grip back onto railing. I didn’t turn, only looked down into the water. ‘I could have died.’ Reality rang into my mind. “Are you okay? You... look like you might need some help.” The voice echoed through my mind again, taking a second to process. So familiar, and yet so foreign at the same time. Scarring and healing all at once. I turned to the source of the voice. 

The very first thing I noticed was his hair, a massive curling mass of dark chocolate brown that looked almost matching to the night sky in this light. Calm and collected brown eyes looked at me from about ten feet away. He didn’t rush to me like I expected any other person would, stranger or not. He stood there, just looking at me and not breaking eye contact.

It was then that I realized we’d just been staring at each other for what was most likely a socially unacceptable amount of time. I think this case was an exception, though. The man took a step forward before I flinched, causing him to stop. We just looked at each other again. 

“I’m Dan. What’s your name?” He asked. My thoughts raced and calmed all at the same time, flustered and hurried but cool and collected. No one had called me by my name in so long, that I swore I’d almost forgotten it. He stepped forward almost enough for me not to notice it, so I didn’t move. He stopped.

“(Y-Y/N)” I said, nervous and shaking. 

“Well, calm down then, (Y/N). I don’t want to hurt you. I just want to talk.” Dan said, scooting closer not-so-subtly. He still didn’t break eye contact. “Do you want to talk about why you’re up here?”

I shifted. If I said too much, it might scare him off. Dan didn’t change expression.

“I know you’ve probably heard this before, but you don’t have to do this.” He said, once again trying to get closer. He was about seven feet away.

_‘He’s just lying so then you’ll owe something to him.’_

“Can you please just say something so I know you’re still here?”

“I…” I paused. “I’m okay.” I turned away and looked at the water again. Clouds rolled overhead, mirrored in the waves that started turning fierce. 

“Do you want to talk? You don’t have to.” Dan took a couple short steps forward.

“I don’t have anything to talk about.” Rain started to fall.

“You must, if you’re out here like this.”

“I…” I wanted to say something, desperately. I wanted to tell this stranger everything, from the very beginning to right now. I wanted to have this conversation over a cup of tea, explaining why I felt this way. “I want it to stop hurting. It hurts.” Tears mixed with the rain and splashed into the water below. Before I knew it, Dan’s voice was coming from right next to me. He must have gotten closer when I wasn’t paying attention.

“It won’t always hurt. All you have to do is come back over the railing and hold on.” His lax voice gave me hope, something I hadn’t seen in a long time. Rain was pouring down now, smoothing out my hair and freezing me at the same time. I turned to look at Dan, who was reaching his hand out to me. I noticed something in him that I hadn’t caught before, something that was being hidden. 

A gently raging fear. 

Hoping and praying this was right, I carefully reached my hand out to grab Dan’s. I could feel my fingers graze his when suddenly-

My foot slipped under the power of the rain, the water below rushing to claim me as I almost had let it before. I screamed, until something grabbed me, desperately holding onto my wrist and arm. I looked up.

Dan looked terrified clinging onto me as I dangled from the bridge. I felt tears fill my eyes at this. No one should be so scared for me. No one should have to be hurt if I di-

I came to a realization.

“I don’t want to die.” I whispered, looking up to Dan. “Please don’t let me die!” I screamed, hoping he’d hear me. I didn’t want to be let go. 

“I won’t!” I felt him tugging at my arm, struggling to pull me up. I clawed at the metal, but my free hand couldn’t grab onto anything, only slip. 

Suddenly, I heard a car screeching to a halt. “Arin! Suzy! Help me here!” Dan yelled. More people. Two people ran to the railing, one scrambling to grab my other arm as fast as possible. 

“Suzy! Call an ambulance, quick!” The other man pulling me up yelled. The woman, assumably Suzy, pulled out her phone immediately and called. 

Dan and Arin helped pull me up, and after scrambling panickedly over the railing, I fell to the ground. Dan and Arin knelt next to me as I burst into tears, sobbing and wailing uncontrollably. I felt Dan start petting my wet hair, shushing and talking calmly.

“It’s going to be fine. You’re okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”

“Dan, what happened? I just remember you saying you wanted to go for a walk and then I got that text-” Arin said. It was the first time I heard his voice, although it was muffled by my crying. “You scared the shit out of us.”

“Sorry. I’ll tell you everything later. Once (Y/N) gets taken care of.” Dan said. That seemed to mark the end of the conversation, because everything was quiet until sirens started getting closer. I stopped crying, and now just laid in Dan’s lap while waiting for paramedics to take me in. 

“I’ll talk to you as soon as I can!” Dan yelled to me as ambulances closed the doors. I fell asleep soon after, no thoughts able to run through my mind at the moment. All any part of me wanted was sleep. 

 

 

I woke up, my eyes feeling puffy. The room I was in was bright, and I had to squint to make out anything. This world seemed all new from the one I had seen before. Pure white walls, and doctors rushing in and out of the room.

‘I must be in the ER.’ I thought, laying on the only bed in the room. A nurse came up to me, and noticed I was awake. 

“Hello. You must be (Y/N).” He said, sitting down next to me. “I just need you to answer a few questions, then we’ll be moving you to the psychiatric ward. Is that okay?”

‘Great. Now someone’s just going to poke around in your head and then send you to the loony bin.’ I said to myself. “Okay. That’s fine.” I replied with this automatically, even though I just wanted to get out of here. 

“Okay. So, first-”

“Wait.” I interrupted. “What happened to the people from last night? The ones that helped me.” 

“We got their information, so if you need to call them, you can. We still need to get your information first though.” The nurse didn’t look at me, his gaze locked onto his clipboard as he wrote. I know he was just trying to get some information on why I was standing on the edge of a bridge, but he didn’t have to seem so… Robotic.

He started asking questions, mostly just information on me and my family. 

“Mother?”

“Mary Rett, deceased.”

“Father?”

“Adam (L/N), deceased.”

“Siblings?”

“(B/N) (L/N), missing.”

“Home address?

“None.”

“Phone number?”

“None.”

I could tell that the nurse felt like he couldn’t get any information, but the truth was, the answer was right there. My family had all died, gone missing, or otherwise. I lost my home because I couldn’t pay the bills, and lost my job in return. Someone stole the few things I owned, and I had nothing left but a pair of headphones and a phone with no service plan. Just music. The answer was laid out right in front of him, but he was too machine like to realize that. 

After him asking a few more questions with short and basic answers, he stood up. 

“Well, I’m just going to go and give this to the doctor, and then she’ll take you up to the room you’ll be staying in for a while.” The nurse said before walking off. I just wanted to know when I could call Dan.

More waiting passed before the doctor came in. She said some things about “We’re here to help”, but I was tuned out. I needed to call him. I wanted answers from people other than therapists. After she paused, I said it as fast as I could.

“Can I make a call?” I spewed out quickly. The doctor looked a little surprised, but answered. 

“Yes, just follow me. You have a few bruises, and you might be a bit sore, so you shouldn’t strain yourself.” I stood up after she finished talking, immediately hit with a headache and intense dizziness. Stress. The doctor helped me, but I soon caught my composure. We walked down the halls as she kept going on about something I wasn’t listening to. We got to the phone eventually. 

“Um…” I started talking to the doctor. “I heard that the people from last night gave you their contact information. I don’t have their phone numbers with me, so could I please have them?” I asked. The Doctor pulled out a note pad and ripped out the page, handing it to me. I dialed the number.

_‘Please, please pick up.’_ One ring. Another ring. Third ri- Click. 

“Hello? This is Dan.” His voice rang through the phone line clear and smooth. 

“Hi. Uh, it’s (Y/N).” I shakily said into the phone. A quiet gasp came over the phone. 

“(Y/N)! Are you okay? Where are you calling from?” 

“I’m okay. I’m at the hospital now.” 

“Jesus… Sorry, I just… This seems a little surreal.”

“Same here. Um, I was wondering-”

“Should I come over there to visit you? I’m guessing they’re not going to let you leave for a while, right?”

“Probably not. I think they said three days is the maximum they can keep you here against your will, so…”

“I see. But do you want me to come over? My friends might want to come see you, too. If you don’t mind.”

“No, that sounds good, as long as there’s not a ton of people here.”

“Yeah. I can imagine that’d be stressful. Anyways, I’ll start heading over there now. I’ll talk to you soon, K?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” 

Click. I hung up the phone, sighing as I did. _‘You barely know this person. Why should he care?’_ I thought to myself. Sighing again, the doctor led me to my room. 

 

 

It was still pretty early in the morning, so people were just going around and doing their own thing. It was just after breakfast, so most people were just waking up. I met a few people who had other disorders, but I didn’t feel like talking. I laid in my bed, thinking. 

Knock. Knock. Who ever was at the door knocked sheepishly and slow. I got up and opened the door to see a tall, thin mass of chocolate curls. 

“Hey, (Y/N)!” Dan said, smiling widely. Something of his joy seemed wholesome and untainted, happy for the sake of being happy. The same spark of hope that he showed last night still shone, not wavering or flickering the way my hopes would. Something stood strong. 

“Hey. Thank you for coming, it’s really appreciated. You said something about your friends…?” I prompted. Dan moved over a bit to show another guy behind him.

“This is Arin. He was there last night too.” Dan spoke a little more gently about the topic, not nearly as jovial as before. Arin waved.

“Good to meet you in a better place than, well, that.” Arin said. I walked further into my room, sitting down in the corner of my bed. Arin and Dan followed, Dan sitting down on the floor by the foot of my bed and Arin leaning against the wall near him. 

“I don’t mean to bring the topic down, or anything, but… What exactly happened last night?” I asked. “The memories are a bit fuzzy. I just remember being there, and slipping. It’s not very clear to me.”

Arin nodded. “I’d like a few answers too, Dan. You didn’t really clear things up very much after we got back to the hotel room.” His lightly teasing voice seemed much more fitting for him than the serious and scared tone from last night. Dan laughed lightly.

“Well, we came here on a vacation for a little while.” Dan said, turning to me. “We live up in L.A., and wanted a little break, so we drove up here. Last night was the second night we’ve been here, and I wanted to check out the Golden Gate Bridge, and then I saw you there. I texted Arin and his wife, Suzy to get there asap. I was honestly really scared.”

“I can tell from the vagueness of the text. ‘Golden gate bridge, girl on the edge. Get here fast, I’ll stall.’” Arin quoted, looking at the text from his phone. “Suzy and I got really freaked out.”

“I could tell from the way that you came over. Anyways, I didn’t really know what to do. I didn’t want to get too close and freak you out, so I just kinda said ‘Hi’ from a bit away and got closer as I talked to you. Eventually I talked you down, but the rain kinda messed you up and… I don’t know. For a second I thought you were gone, but then my mind snapped back into it and you were… Really scared. Everything about the situation was scary. Arin and Suzy got there just in time and helped you up and called an ambulance. I gave the paramedics my phone number and then… I guess that was about it.” Dan practically sighed the last sentence, hunching over a bit. 

I sighed, pulling my knees into my body. “Wow…” I murmured. Dan walked over to me and sat down, rubbing my back. I tucked my head into my arms, quietly letting emotions take over for a moment. I hadn’t let this happen in a long time.

“Shh, it’s okay. You’re here now, we’re here. You’re getting help.” Dan said calmly. “Oh! I got you something.” Suddenly remembering, Dan reached into his pocket and pulled out a small packet of animal stickers. “I saw them while getting coffee this morning, and I thought you might like them.” I looked up at Dan, rubbing my eyes. 

“Thanks. That… That’s actually really sweet of you.” I said. Despite the fact that this act was small, it touched my heart to know that someone thought of me like that, even if they were practically a stranger. 

“Nice, Danny. You’re already flirting with her.” Arin said, a smug smile on his face. I felt my face heat up a little as Dan stuttered.

“Shut up, you ass hat.” Dan replied, chuckling. Everyone laughed, the mood of the room shifting in response. “But seriously, feel free to call me whenever. We’ll be staying down here for a few more days, so I’ll visit again soon.” Dan hugged me with one arm and then stood. “We better get going, though. We’ll see you later, (Y/N)!” Dan said, walking towards the door with Arin in the lead. 

Something took over as I jumped out of bed, springing to Dan and hugging him before he left the room. He seemed startled, but okay with it.

“Thank you so much, Dan. Thank you so, so much.”


	2. The Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I know that this is just another story here on Ao3, but I want to thank all of you so much for all the support, even if it's just little things. I'm super proud to have people likeing and reading this story, and I'm having a lot of fun writing it. Again, thank you for reading, and I hope you like the new chapter!

The rest of that day and the next were absolute nightmares. The first day, some therapist talked to me about stuff, and prescribed me Xanax. I tried it, and it didn’t seem like it was helping at all, only making my crazed mind worse. I just kept in mind that sometimes these things take time, and the meds will hopefully kick in soon and help me. 

I woke up the next morning extremely dizzy and barely able to stand. After a doctor helped me out of bed (which I couldn’t do on my own without practically collapsing), we found out that the Xanax was not doing me any favors. After talking a bit more to a therapist, they realized they got the diagnosis wrong. They tried giving me Adderall, but it still didn’t work any better. If anything, I think my previous dizziness got worse throughout the day. 

I would’ve laid in bed all day, but the nurses and doctors made me get up and do things. They tried paints and crafts and stuff, but I didn’t feel inspired much. Nothing much really helped but the card games that occupied most of our time. 

Over my second day there, I met a few interesting people. There was Zachary, a sex addict who wouldn’t stop trying to talk me out of my pants until he left the ward later that day. A woman named Alyssa talked to me a lot, and I found that just listening to her stories really helped distract me from the fact I was in a hospital. One of the most memorable faces there was a little boy whose mom abused him, and he was convinced his mom was following him and trying to hit him again. A nice therapist stayed with him all the time, getting him to subtly say what his mom would do. 

On what I hoped would be my last morning there, I woke up to a shy knock on the door. 

_ Knock. Knock.  _ I felt too dizzy to get up and open the door, or really say anything for that matter.

“Ih.” I grunted from the bed. I assumed it was only a nurse, and hopefully they’d help me with this. The door creaked open slowly. I opened one eye to see Dan poking his head through. 

“Hey there, small one.” He said. “I’m going to come in now, if you’re okay with that.”

“Ih.” I closed my eyes again.  _ ‘Too tired. Need sleep. Or help getting up.’  _ I felt the bed dip down as Dan sat at the end. 

“You don’t look so good.”

I nodded.

“You know what’s wrong?”

I nodded again. “Wrong meds. First Xanax, the Adderall. I don’t have anxiety or ADHD.” 

Dan nodded. “Should I get a nurse?”

“Ih, in a minute. Talk first. What’s up?”

“Nothing much, I just realized that I don’t really know a lot about you. How about 20 questions?” Dan asked.

“Sure.”

I just laid on the bed, feeling Danny look at me for a while. I wanted to get up, I just… Felt too sick to do anything. 

“You’re stuck, aren’t you?”

“Yup.”

“Want some help?”

“Yup.”

He stood up, grabbing my hands and pulling me up to a sitting position. After scooting back a bit to give Dan some space, He sat back down.

“Thanks. Okay, so 20 questions. Who’s asking first?”

“I will. Okay, so, one, any family nearby?”

“Nope.” 

“Two, Do you have a job?”

“Nope.”

“Three, do you live near San Francisco?”

“Nope.”

“Do you have a place to go after leaving?” Dan asked this one a bit more carefully, trying to ease into the subject.

“Actually, I don’t.”

“Do you really have a reason to stick around the area?”

“Not really.”

“Would you want to ride down to L.A. with me and my friends?”

“Well…” I thought. I hadn’t thought about it before, but I guess I really didn’t have a reason to stick around. A ride up to where a friend lived would be nice.

“Don’t feel like you have to or anything. I just wanted to make sure you had a place to go or stay, but…” Dan trailed off. 

“I think I might, as long as nobody’s getting squished to the door in the car just because you need space for one more person.”

“Don’t worry! Barry and I are sharing a car, while Ross, Holly, Arin, and Suzy are all riding in another. You could fit in with me and Bear.” 

“That sounds really nice.” I said, looking down and smiling. I thought about what would happen once I got there, and found myself thinking more and more realistically as I pondered. “It’s probably not going to matter much, though. I’m still not going to have a house or job or anything.”

“Okay, how about this? Question, uh, seven. Do you want to crash with me and Barry for however long you need?” I looked up at Dan with this. 

“Are you sure? I mean, I don’t even know Barry, are you sure he wouldn’t mind?”

“I’m sure he’ll get over it.” Danny said, putting his arm on my shoulder. He smiled deviously and winked before speaking again. “Plus, I’ve brought a ton of girls home. I’m sure he won’t mind one more.”

“Oh, you little devil!” I said shoving him away as we laughed. “Okay, I guess I’ll head down there with you then, if you’re so sure about this.”

“Sweet! Let’s keep playing the game then.” 

Dan continued asking questions, them getting more normal as we went. Eventually, it was my turn to ask questions. I found out that he was in a band, and was more commonly known as Daniel Sexbang. I also asked a lot about his friends, and found out that they also ran a youtube channel that was fairly popular. After talking a bit more, Dan got up. 

“I better get going soon. Do you still need me to grab a nurse?” He asked.

“No, I’m feeling a lot better now. I better go get some breakfast.” I said, standing up a little unsteadily. “I’ll call you when they let me out of here, okay?” 

“Good. We’ll be leaving the day after tomorrow, and we’ll be sightseeing all today and tomorrow, so it’ll be an awesome chance for you to meet everyone.” Dan said. “I better get going. Barry’s probably waiting for me to get back with the car. I’ll see you later, (Y/N)!”

“Well, I won't hold you here longer than I have.” I said. “I’ll call you.”

“Awesome. See you later, then!” Dan said, walking out. I sat in my bed for a little while, just thinking about what I’m going to do about the medication they gave me. Eventually, I just sighed and left the room to go get food. 

 

After a few more hours and more talking with a therapist, she told me to keep taking Adderall. After a bit of arguing, the nurses suggested a break from the meds, to which my therapist reluctantly said okay to. I was pretty sure that this therapist had no clue what they were doing. 

Finally, around 1 in the afternoon, the doctor said I could leave. She really didn’t want me to go, but I wanted out. I felt like they were locking up in a prison to make me better. Obviously I didn’t feel much better. Most of the reason I felt sane was because of the talks Dan had with me, and the comfort that he and his friends offered. 

I called Dan before I left, dialing his number on the phone I used on my first day here.

_ Click. _

“Heeeello?” Dan’s voice rang through the phone. 

“Hey, it’s me, (Y/N).”

“Oh, hey! Are they letting you out of the hospital now?” 

“Yeah, I was wondering if you could come pick me up?”

“Totally. I’ll be there soon. Just wait outside, k?” I heard some muffled talking in the background. “Barry’s gonna come too, good?”

“Yeah, you’ve said some good things about him, so I’d be glad to meet him. I’ll meet you outside then.” 

_ Click.  _

I walked outside of the building, glad to finally have escaped the hospital. The sun beamed through the clouds, the light streaming through beautifully.  _ ‘I can’t believe how much things can change in just a few days.’  _ I thought to myself as I sat down next to a flower bed. Looking at the sky, I felt someone’s gaze on me. 

“H-Hi.” A soft, scratchy voice said to me. This voice had a similar tone to Dan’s, but something about it bothered me. It felt eerie, the way his voice reached to me. I turned to look at him.

His skin was pale and blotchy, and hazel eyes flickered around, looking at every inch of me. The man’s hair was ruffled and short, chestnut strands sticking in every direction. His hands were shoved into the pockets of a blue, puffy jacket, which was odd considering it felt like it was 80 degrees and extremely humid. 

“Um… Hi.” I said, nervously. I knew I shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, but something about this guy scared me. 

“I-I-I’m Silas. What’s your name?” Silas asked. It seemed like this guy had some sort of nervous tic, because he was stuttering a lot.

“I’m (Y/N).” Silas’ eyes lit up at this.

“That a v-very pretty name.” He said, taking a few steps closer to me.  _ “This guy is a total creep. Get away from him.”  _ A voice told me. Right as I was about to get up to run away from him, a car pulled up next to us.

“Hey, (Y/N)!” Dan said from the window. It was obvious he could tell I was uncomfortable, because he stepped out of the car and approached me and Silas. “Who’s this?”

“This is Silas.” I said, standing up quickly. 

“Who are you?” Silas asked. His whole tone changed the second he looked at Dan. The sparkle in his eyes left, turning practically lifeless as his smile faded as well. 

“I’m Dan, (Y/N)'s boyfriend.”  _ ‘Wait, WHAT?!’  _ I thought, trying to keep my surprise inside. It was probably either a joke, or some plan to chase this guy away. It seemed a little less joking as Dan put his arm around my shoulder and kissed my cheek. “You still down for the museum tonight, babe?” 

“Yeah, totally.” I said, smiling brightly. I did my best to refrain from blushing, but heat still flooded my face. “We should get going before they close, right?”

“Yup. It was nice meeting you, Silas!” Dan said, moving his hand from my shoulder to my hand. We walked over to the car, Silas staring at us as we got in the car and drove away. “Who was  _ that _ ?” Dan asked after Silas disappeared from the rearview mirror.

“I have no clue, but it felt really creepy.” I said, looking at the passenger seat where a young man, assumably Barry, sat.

“Well, at least he’s gone. Anyway, this is Barry. Barry, meet (Y/N).” Dan said, back to his happy tone.

Barry wore a pair of sunglasses, and turned to look at me. My first thought was that I thought his beard was cool, which was odd, considering I never really noticed those things before. 

“You must be Dan’s girlfriend, then.” Barry said, smiling jokingly.

“Fucking hell, Barry.” Dan laughed. 

“No, no, nothing like that. I’m not interested in a relationship at the moment.” I said in between laughs. 

“Damn, you’re so cute, I thought I wanted to steal you away from Danny.” 

“Oh, stop it you!” I said, jokingly waving my hand at him. “Anyways, where are we going?”

“We’re going to meet Arin and Suzy out by the beach. You probably don’t have anything to swim in though, do you?”

“Eh, I don’t really like swimming that much. I’ll probably just make sand castles and collect shells.” I said, starting to daydream. I wondered about Suzy, the woman who called  the ambulance and Arin’s wife. The first meeting between people after my attempt was always super awkward, and I wondered what Ross and Holly would be like. 

“Hello? Hellooooo?” Dan’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

“What? Huh?” He and Barry laughed. 

“Noooothiiiiing…” Barry said girlishly as we continued to drive.

 

It took us about an hour to get to the beach because of how much we fooled around and joked with each other. When we got there, we just went to a small pocket beach where it was just me and Dan’s friends. As soon as I got there, I was tackled with a hug. 

“Oh, my god! You must be (Y/N).” A woman’s voice said. “I’m Suzy. It’s good to finally meet you!” Suzy pulled away from the hug, smiling.

I like to think I know how to appreciate another person’s looks, but Suzy was an entity of her own. A smile that could light up a room, and beautiful eyes that looked hopeful in a way I didn’t think someone could have. Though Dan was handsome, most definitely, and Arin and Barry were attractive people, Suzy was beautiful in a way only she could describe and embody. 

“It’s great to meet you too. Arin’s said some good things abo-”

“GERONIMOOOOO!” A guy’s voice yelled, interrupting me as he jumped from a cliff. From the brief moment I saw him jumping off, he had a childish look on his round face, with fawn colored hair flying in the wind right before he splashed into the salt water in just a pair of boxers. A woman with short, pink hair cheered for him, hollering and whooping for the boy as he swam back up to the surface. 

“That’s Ross and Holly, right?” I asked, looking to Dan and Suzy. 

“Yup. Oh! And I totally forgot to tell you about Ninja Brian.” Dan said, grabbing my hand and walking over to where a sun umbrella was lying. Underneath sat a man, who I assumed was Brian, practically asleep on a giant towel in the shade. “Yo, Brian!” Danny yelled loud next to Brian, who jerked awake.

“Oh! Fucking…” Brian shouted as he jerked awake. “Danny, you ass hole- Oh, hey, a girl.” He suddenly noticed. “Did you finally find a girl that fits to your liking?” Dan and I both started laughing.

“No, just friends.” Dan said in between chuckles. 

“Still no mushy love stuff for you, then?” Brian asked. Dan started walking up to the cliff edge where Ross jumped off as he took of his shirt and talked.

“Nope. Planning to keep it that way.” I followed Dan up, running a little ahead of him. Holly waved to me, and Ross greeted me from the surface of the water. It was like I was already a part of a big family, one that wasn’t nearly as unstable as my last one was. I looked out at the ocean from the cliff, feeling peaceful with  the sun over head. “You jumpin’ in?” Dan asked, walking up behind me. 

“I dunno. What do you think?” I asked.

“Well, I’m gonna jump. You should join!” Dan said before jumping off the edge. My heart jumped at first, but after looking over, I saw Dan and Ross laughing together. My heart calmed, and I sighed. Ross and Dan started walking up as I took off my shirt and pants, leaving me in a bra and underwear. I stood at the ledge, thinking.

All of a sudden, I felt a metal railing behind me, it now being the only thing keeping me alive. The clear day sky became dark and clouded, rain pouring down on me. My heart started pounding, and my first instinct was to run, but I couldn’t. Something held me back. A voice echoed to me.

“(Y/N)? (Y/N), are you alright? Come on, snap out of it!” Dan’s voice reached to me. I felt a hand touch my shoulder, the world swirling back to normal so fast I got dizzy. I looked over at Dan.

“W-What?” I asked, my vision blurred and twisting. 

“(Y/N), you should get away from the-” 

My feet slipped beneath me, sending me down to the water. I breathed in deeply and felt the water consume me. I felt some sort of joy in my gut, and I couldn’t tell if it was because of some crazy suicidal appeal or the joy of cliff diving. My eyes burst open under the water, scanning around. The murkiness felt ominous and scary, and in a flurry of panic, I swam up. 

When I got up, I inhaled quickly. I looked up at Dan and Ross, who looked relieved and nervous at the same time. Laughter rose in my gut, and I started giggle before my eyes started to burn from the salt water.

“Gah! Don’t open your eyes in the water! It hurts!” I said in between cackles. Dan smiled and jumped back down, along with Ross. I swam to shore, laughing and rubbing my eyes, which only made it worse. 

“Dude,” Dan said, swimming up to me. “What was that? You good?” He asked, still smiling. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I don't know what that was, though.” 

“Good.”

We just sat back to back on the sand in silence for what felt like an eternity. The waves washed towards our feet, the sun starting to get closer and closer to the horizon. Dan eventually started drifting off, his head bobbing forward, almost falling flat into the sand. I leaned my back to his, so he could lean back.

_ Click. Click. Click.  _

I turned my head to see Arin taking pictures and giggling. I was going to go and take his phone away, but I guess I decided I’d let him have his stupid pictures. The world was finally starting to slow down, and I wanted to have my moment of peace.

I desperately wanted to say that this was beautiful, but I knew it wasn’t. The reason I was here was because of an irrational, spur of the moment decision, and someone who cared too much for a life to be wasted. Though in some ways, maybe it was beautiful. The way someone would care for all life like Dan did.

But then again, nothing ever lasts forever.


	3. The Hotel

The waves carefully washed towards me, gently lapping at my feet. The sun hung low in the sky, turning the whole sky into a beautiful fiery orange. Salted water reflected the dusk sky, turning the whole world into a blazing, beautiful fire.

I felt warmth on my back, it pumping like a heartbeat. I tried to lean in to feel more of the warmth, but I found myself unable to move. I breathed in quickly, scared. Trying to twist and turn, dark figures started to form from the sands of the beach. They reached their hands towards me, reaching to grab me and pull me towards the sea. I struggled against them, but my body did not respond.

Suddenly, the warmth on my back abandoned me, leaving me to fall into the sand.

 

I gasped, my eyes flying open. The back of my head landed partially rough onto the sand, waking me up from my nightmare.

Groaning and sitting up, I turned around to see Barry pulling Danny through the sand by his wrists. He jumped up almost immediately, spitting out sand.

“Ah! Dude,” Dan laughed, spitting out sand. I laughed with everyone, who I realized were dressed and ready to leave.

“Come on, lover boy, we’re getting ready to go.” Barry laughed. I stood up, surprised to see that my underwear that I had swam in was dry, excepting the fact that it reeked of salt. I started walking up to the cliff to grab my clothes while everyone talked and laughed. The sun was the same fiery color as my dream, making me wonder if it meant anything.

_‘It was probably nothing.’_ I told myself as I put my shirt back on. After meeting up with everyone, we all headed back to our respective cars, Dan, Barry, Brien, and me all going to one while Arin, Suzy, Ross, and Holly went to another.

“So, (Y/N), what’s your star sign?” Danny asked, obviously clueless as to what to say to start a conversation. I smiled.

“(S/S).” I replied, looking into Dan’s eyes.

“Sweet! I’m a Pisces.” He said. Somehow, we got into a conversation about people we knew who were different star signs, which threw Dan into a story about how he knew a girl who was called Gemini. I eventually tuned it out, only concentrated on the way Dan seemed so happy as he talked. His eyes looked so enthralled in what he was saying, happy just to be talking. They’d sometimes turn to me to see if I was listening, so I’d nod when they did. I didn’t notice when Dan’s voice trailed off and he just looked at me. I jumped when I realized he’d noticed me staring.

“You were saying?” I said, trying to prompt him back to talking again. I didn’t want to seem weird when I looked at him. If he was talking, it’d just seem like I was being polite.

“I…” Dan thought, then laughed. “I completely forgot.” I laughed with him as we got in the car, me and Dan going to the back while Brian drove and Barry chatted with him.

Dan got thrown into another story as I studied his features once again. His lips moved so gently as he spoke, his voice calming even if I didn’t hear what he was saying. Again, his eyes captivated me as they studied me as well.

_“Lean in. It’d be so easy to just let your lips graze his. Just calmly-”_ I realized what I was telling myself to do not a second too soon, leaving me flushed and red. I looked away from Dan quickly, and then he started laughing.

“What happened?” He asked, obviously noticing my sudden blushing.

“Nothing!” I laughed.

_‘You can’t think like that. Imagine what would happen if you really did get into a relationship with this guy! Even one word might push him over the edge, and what would you do if that happened? This guy saved you, and imagine what would happen if you ripped him apart like that. You’d be worse than your whore of a mother.’_ My thoughts tore through me. I did my best to shake it away, but not much helped. _‘And what if he says one thing wrong like Mom did? What if he accidentally tipped you over? Do you really want to hurt him like that out of spite and rebellion? You’d be a fucking monster.’_

We finally reached a hotel after a while, and I was ready to sleep. I may have napped earlier, but I was ready to go to sleep and then get out of this town. I remeber someone saying we’d be leaving the next day, so I wanted to get as much sleep as possible.

After a bit more chatting in the hotel room, we made sleeping arrangements. It took a while to convince everyone I was okay with sleeping on the floor while Dan and Brian took the two beds and Barry got the couch.

“Are you sure? We could make a chair comfy for you if you want.” They said. I refused.

 

I tried to get to sleep, but nightmares kept waking me up before I could get any sleep. I couldn’t even remember them when I woke up. I checked the clock. 1:00 Am.

I got up, grabbing the key card and leaving the room quietly before leaving the building. I sat on a grassy spot outside, looking up at the sky. I’d say the stars dotted the sky, but light pollution made only a select few stars visible. Airplanes replaced them, moving across the dark sky. I didn’t notice the footsteps approaching me after a while.

“Are you okay?” Dan’s voice reached, hoarse from grogginess. I gasped and turned.

I felt the same thing I felt the same things I did when I first met Dan. His voice seemed so familiar, but so foreign at the same time. Ripping through me and sewing me together at thee same time. I felt everything inside me ring, pulling my heart into my throat.

“I guess you couldn’t sleep either, babe?” He asked, the pet name making heat rise to my cheeks.

“I-I guess not…” I stuttered. I didn’t know what to say, so I just sat there as Dan sat next to me.

“I wish there were more stars out. The moon’s pretty tonight, though.”

“Yeah, definitely.”

We just sat there in silence. I looked up at the sky, watching the clouds roll across the darkness of the night. Dan was right; the moon was pretty. It glowed white, lighting up the clouds.

I saw in the corner of my eye that Dan was staring at me. He just smiled, his eyes half lidded and relaxed. I turned to him, and he scooted closer.

“Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you something.” I said, cautious to my wording.

“Yeah, anything.”

My heart pounded in my chest as I pulled up the courage to say what I wanted. Something inside me swelled. “I- Uh…” Stuttering. “Uh… Why- Why do you care so much? About my well being, I mean. You always ask if I’m okay, and you… You saved me.”

For a second, I thought I said something wrong. Dan’s smile faded, and his eyes drifted away from me. His smile soon returned.

“Well, pretty girls shouldn’t have to be so sad. I wanted to see you smile at least once. And…” Dan said, smiling and looking at me again. “You deserve to be happy.” My face flushed once again, and I felt tears well up in my eyes. For once, I don’t think it was because I was sad. I hugged Dan and buried my face into his shoulder.

“Thank you.” I muttered, sobbing just a little and smiling like an idiot.

“Come on, don’t cry. You’re making me sad, too.”

“I’m not sad. I’m just…” I sobbed again. “I don’t remember the last time someone cared about me like you do.” I felt Dan’s arm wrap around my waist and rub my sides comfortingly.

“Well, I care now, and that’s all that matters.” I looked up to him, wiping my tears away. He leaned in slightly, and something inside me stirred. Thoughts rushed through my head, screaming for my to tell him to stop. His lips were just about to graze mine before I looked away.

“I can’t.” I said, my voice cracking.

“Why not?” Dan said, not offended like I feared he would be. He just sounded curious.

“It’s… A long story.”

“We have time.”

“I…” I tried to find a reason to avoid the subject. I eventually just sighed.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.”

“No. You deserve to know.” My voice finally stopped cracking, and I actually felt calm. “I was about twelve, at the time. It’s weird to think it was more than two decades ago. Me and my brother had just gotten home from school, and my dad wouldn’t pick up his phone. My mom called and told us to go into her and my dad’s room to check up on him. I tried, but the door was locked. And my mom told me to _pick the lock-_ Who even tells their kid to do that? -but I did, and I saw- I-I saw-” I sobbed, and Dan rubbed my back calmingly. He shushed me, obviously not wanting me to say more if I didn’t want to. But I needed this out of me. “He-He hung himself! And my mom was the one that cheated on him and told him he was worthless!” I sobbed into Dan’s shoulder again, the memories flooding back to me.

I’d had flashbacks to this moment before, and I almost felt like I was living through it again- I vividly felt the shaking of my hand as I unlocked the door with a butter knife, and the images of my father's rolled back, bloodshot eyes flashed through me. I remember my shriek, and my brother’s embrace as he cried with me in the front yard. I remember the paramedics saying that he wouldn’t make it, and them comforting me and telling me that these things happen but my he was in a better place now. And I vividly remember not believing them. I remember my mother's wails, and her promise to never return to that apartment again. I remember her trying to hug me, and my brother making sure she'd never get close to me again. 

“Hey, babe, look at me. C’mon, snap out of it.” Dan said to me. I hadn’t realized it, but I had completely frozen with tears streaming down my face. I tried to turn up to Dan, but something held me back. I just trembled violently, unable to move or speak or do anything. He eventually just pulled my face to him, just roughly enough to move my face to see it. He could tell that something was wrong. I finally opened my eyes. “Why are you scared of a kiss, then?” He asked sweetly, holding my face much more gently than before and wiping away my tears.

“I-I’m scared. I’m scared that if even one tiny little thing goes wrong, then you might do the same thing my dad did. I’m scared I’ll do that. I don’t want to do that!” I closed my eyes, crying once again.

“Come on, look at me.” Dan said before I opened my eyes. I then saw that he was crying, too. “I would never do that. I would never leave you like that, and I wouldn’t let you do that either. You’re going to get through this, okay? I’ll be with you for as long as you need me to be, and longer if that’s what you want. I promise.” Dan’s hands held my face perfectly in place. He pulled me in for a hug and held me, petting my hair and saying sweet things into my ear as I cried.

 

_We're talking away_ __  
_I don't know what_ __  
_I'm to say I'll say it anyway_ __  
_Today's another day to find you_ __  
_Shying away_  
I'll be coming for your love, okay?

 

Dan sung slowly and softly, his voice sweet and smooth. He swayed carefully, humming the notes to me.

__  
_Take on me,_ __  
_Take me on,_ __  
_I'll be gone_   
In a day or two

 

Suddenly, I found myself turning up to him and pulling him closer, closing the gap between our lips and ending his song. He seemed surprised at first, but sunk into the kiss soon after it started. His hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer, my heart pounding as he did. My arms naturally found themselves resting on his shoulders and my hands ran through his hair gently. I stopped crying and just sat there, sinking into the feeling that surrounded me.

Soon enough, we both had to pull back for air. I looked up to Dan, who just smiled happily.

“If I knew that A-ha turned you on that much, I would have sang for you sooner.” Dan joked, smiling brightly. “And you taste like candy.”

“You,” I started, smiling with him. “Are a dumb-ass.”

“I’m your dumb-ass, now. Let’s get some sleep, I’m exhausted.” He said, still holding me.

“Same here.” We stood up, and he held my hand as we went back inside the hotel.

I almost laid down on my pillow and blanket on the floor again before Danny spoke to me again.

“Hey, just lay down with me.” He said, climbing into bed. I laid down next to him, his arm around my waist. He kissed me again, this time a lot more sloppy and rough. “You’re really beautiful.” He whispered groggily, and fell asleep.

I was happy not to have any nightmares for the rest of the night.

 

“Hey, (Y/N), wakey wakey.” A voice said as I felt a ticklish poke in my  side. “We’re getting ready to leave.” I laughed as I felt another poke in the side, tickling me more.

“But I don’t want to get up…” I said, turning around.

“Come on! We want to get on the road!” Barry laughed pulling the blanket off and letting cold air grace me.

“Ugh, fine! But I’m sleeping in the car.” I said, smiling and standing up.

Dan looked sleepy and not happy, grumbling things about needing tea or coffee. I laughed at the fact that his bed head wasn’t any more messy than his normal hair.

“Hey there, grumpy face.” I teased. “How do you like your coffee? I’ll grab you one from the front.” Dan smiled dopily and he put his arm on my shoulder.

“Pfft, I like my coffee like I like my women. Like, uh…” Dan thought for a minute, obviously confused at where this was going. “Sweet.” He finally spit out.

“Okay, extra sugar for you.” I laughed at Dan’s drunken sounding voice, and his extremely slow thinking. “How much milk?”

“Eh.” He shrugged.

After getting his coffee, Dan seemed a lot more energized. He hummed happily and got a lot more giggly than normal, almost like a little kid.

“Hey, you wanna know the best part about being in a band?”

“What’s that, Daniel?”

“You get to meet fuckin’ awesome people like you.”

“You sauve fuck-face.”

Dan continuously flirted with me, most of it seeming more like compliments. There weren’t many interesting things that happened as we got in the car and started driving excepting consistent dick jokes from Arin, Dan, and Brian mainly. Everyone was like a huge happy family, that made lots of gay jokes. There was only on strange thing that I saw during the first part of the car ride, even if I didn’t really notice it at first. The same two cars followed us all the way to Los Angeles. I knew one was Arin’s but…

The other one I didn’t recognise.


	4. The Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I like to finish a second chapter before posting one, and that chapter took me a looong time, but I finally got it done! I hope you like the new chapter!

I woke up to someone shaking me lightly. 

“Hey, we’re getting lunch. You should probably get up now.” Dan said. He seemed a lot more awake and energized than before, and at least he wasn’t acting like he was drunk. 

“Where are we going? I am so ready for food.” I said, sitting up quickly. 

“We were thinking about just going for fast food or something. That good for you?”

“That’s great.” I said, sitting up and getting ready. 

We just ended up going to In-N-Out burger, and conversation got passed around. 

“Hey, I don’t want to make things all sad or anything,” Dan said, talking to me in a more private tone. “But I remembered you said your mom passed away. How long ago was that?”

“Oh, I think it was about five or six years ago, now. She went missing for a few days, then the police found her, dead.” I explained, not really phased by the topic. Dan nodded.

“Weird. I’m sorry that happened. You don’t sound like you’re that moved by it. You wouldn’t mind talking more about it, would you?” I laughed a little, with a small smile growing on my face.

“Why are you interested? It’s not the happiest of topics.”

“Well, I just want to know a bit more about you.”

“I don’t see why my dead mom would be the first thing that popped into your head. Anyways, I kind of cut off contact with her. She cheated on my dad, which was the thing that pushed him over the edge. She didn’t even come up with a good reason not to come to his funeral. ‘I don’t want to.’ Is what she said. As soon as I turned eighteen, I ran off to college with my brother.” I explained. Dan listened intently.

“What happened to your brother?”

“I’m not very sure. He was there one day, but the next… Poof. The police looked for him, but nothing came up. I’m sure he’s probably okay, wherever he is. He did a ton of self defense classes with me, so I’d assume he’s okay. He’ll track me down if he needs me.” I said, trying to stay optimistic. 

“Were you close?”

“Very. We made an agreement, though. We said that we’d always be close, but if one of us died or went missing, the other would do what they wanted with their life. We were really afraid of not being able to do what we want just because we were close. So I guess that’s why I wanted to go to Los Angeles with you guys, to show I was sticking to that promise and moving on.” I said. I started eating food, trying to get my mind off him. Dan looked at me with a big smile.

“That’s… Really sweet. I hope I get to meet him someday.”

“Anyways, what about your family? I’m sure that you didn’t have nearly as depressing a past as me.” I asked. I wanted to have a new reason just to look at Dan, just because his voice was calming and familiar.

“Well, I call my mom and dad by their names. I’d just imitate my parents, so now I call my grandma ‘Mom’.” He said, smiling. “I also got Mono when I was in college, and then found out I had OCD. Super long story.” I nodded, and even after he’d started talking to other people, I still found myself unable to pull my eyes away from him. The way he smiled just because he could, and the optimistic ways his face lit up when he laughed brightened up the room. I liked being around him. 

“Dude, you space out like that a  _ lot. _ ” Dan said, smirking and chuckling as my face flushed.  

“Let’s just get back to the car.” I grumbled, not wanting to make it into a big deal. 

 

Los Angeles may have felt smaller than San Francisco, but the big city feel was still there. If anything, it felt more home like than San Francisco ever did to me. 

“I lived in that city for my whole life,” I said, looking out at this new scenery. “But this is way fucking cool.” Dan just laughed, putting his arm around my shoulder. 

“Well, you’ll get to see more of it, now that you’re rooming with me and Bear.” He said, smiling brightly. I hummed, only remembering now that I actually had a place to stay. I didn’t have to jump around in shady alleyways or park benches. It may have only been one week of that, but it stung. 

“I think I’m going to like it a lot better here.” I said, my eyes continuing to scan the city.

 

Soon enough, Brian returned home and Barry and Dan drove me to their shared apartment. I felt like crying as I entered the house, happy to be living with people that obviously cared about me. Barry said he was going to run a few errands, and Dan was set on watching a movie with me.

“Have you ever seen The Last Unicorn?”

“No, what’s that?”

Dan gasped over dramatically and put a hand on his chest. “I am wounded, my lady! We need to watch this movie right now.” He smiled and put in the dvd, grabbing a few blankets and pillows and setting up the couch. “Let’s do this!” He said childishly. I laughed and sat next to him, watching the movie with Dan.

After only about five seconds into the first scene, Danny started pecking kisses on the corner of my mouth and my cheeks. I laughed, gently pushing him away so I could watch the movie, but he kept returning each time.

“Oh, come on. You were the one that wanted me to watch this!”

“But your cheeks are so soft and nice.” He said softly, rubbing his thumb on my face. His hands felt coarse on me, rubbing my face pleasantly. “And don’t lie, you like it too.” He winked slyly. I stuttered in reply, trying to find a good comeback. I eventually gave up as nothing came to me. He didn’t say anything, just pulled me in for a tender kiss. I was careful to only let my lips graze his, then gently pull away. 

Apparently, this didn’t satisfy Dan, because he pulled me in for another kiss, a bit more rough than before. I drank in his scent as we kissed, careful to remember every detail as it was. There was something a little off, something that wasn’t there the previous night.

A small hint of lust.

My suspicions were confirmed when Dan started moving one of his hands to my thighs, caressing it slowly. His other hand ran through the hair on the back of my neck, careful not to pull. I smirked and pulled away again.

“Daniel, are you trying to seduce me?” I inquired sassily.

“Depends,” He said, leaning in a little. “Is it working?” 

“Nope.” I said, turning his face away from me. He laughed.

“That’s unfortunate.” He said, cuddling with me instead. 

“...You’re a good kisser, though.” 

“That’s not the only thing I’m good at, babe.”

“There is a children’s movie present, Dan!”

At this point, we couldn’t even try to make snarky remarks we were laughing so much. I had no clue what was happening in the movie anymore, and doubled over with how much I was laughing. Dan wrapped his arms around me, still laughing.

“I love seeing you happy.” Dan said after calming down a bit. He still giggled every once in awhile, hugging me happily. 

“I love being happy.” Dan kissed me on the cheek again, his lips slowly moving towards my jaw and then my neck. “Oh, come on. Can you not go five seconds without trying to get me into bed?”

 

We finally finished watching the movie with few distractions, just Barry coming in and a few more stupid jokes and attempts to make a move on me. After a few more movies, both Dan and I realized that we were seconds away from sleep. We quickly turned off the T.V., and Dan pulled me over to his bed so I wouldn’t have to set up the couch. 

We both just collapsed onto the bed, ready to sleep. 

“Goodnight, babygirl.” Danny muttered quietly. I hummed in reply, not able to focus on anything but the dark and quiet around me. 

 

I had been peacefully sleeping when I suddenly I felt a thrashing on the bed. I sat up quickly, scared for a moment. When I turned, I saw Dan in the bed, thrashing around and whimpering. He looked scared as he tossed and turned, desperately reaching and scratching at anything in reach. I backed away, a little nervous he might accidentally hit me. 

Suddenly, Dan jumped up, his eyes wide open in terror. He looked around, looking more scared as he did. 

“Dan! What happened?”

“I- Dan- Uh-” He stuttered, concentrating and looking more calm. “Shit… I’m sorry, did I hurt you? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Danny, but what about you? You looked fucking horrified.” I asked, scooting closer to hold him carefully. He leaned into my touch, trying to calm his breathing. 

“Night terror. I get them when I fall asleep on my back sometimes.” He said, looking nervous and running a hand through his messy hair. 

“Are you okay? You seem pretty out of it.” 

“I’m fine, but will you comfort me anyways?” He asked sweetly. I laughed lightly and gently ran my fingers through his hair, attempting to smooth it down. My efforts immediately proved ineffective, but Dan seemed liked the feeling of me playing with his hair. 

I got him to lay back down, and he let me massage his back a little before he was on the verge of sleep again. I mindlessly rubbed Danny’s back, and as I did, questions popped into my head. 

_ ‘Why would your brother just leave you like that? Did he really mean to? What if he was kidnapped? And would the kidnapper be the same person that killed Mom?’  _ It was the first time I’d actually asked any of these questions.  _ ‘Have I really been in denial that long?’ _

As I thought, I started to feel itching in my wrists and thighs. It felt like a small burn or painful bug bite, trying to escape my skin. I hadn’t felt like this in a while, so why was it returning? I had such a good day, so why did I want to do this again? 

_ ‘It’s simple. You don’t want to do it again. You just need to stay calm.’ _ I told myself as I tried to refrain from scratching myself. Soon, the itching turned to an urge to bite it. My teeth chattered, even though I wasn’t cold. I waited until Dan’s breathing steadied, and when it did, I got up and ran to the bathroom.

“Shit, shit,  _ shit. _ ” I mumbled, tearing at my skin with my nails. Thoughts rushed through me, though none of them were my own.

_ “You need to do it.” _

_ “Feel the blood rush out of your skin.” _

_ “You should have killed yourself when you had the chance.”  _

The last thought was the one that made me collapse to the ground, not crying, but seething. “No, I am happy, I am real, I am practical. I am happy, I am real, I am practical.” I kept repeating those phrases, hoping that my mantra would work. I somewhat rocked myself side to side, trying and failing not to scratch my wrists.

I looked at them, and I saw droplets of blood starting to form where I had scratched too much. Some relief came to me, but more thoughts came just screaming  _ “More, more!”  _ I grabbed a few pieces of toilet paper and pressed it to my wrists, trying to stop the blood. 

After repeating my mantra a few more times, I found my breathing and thoughts starting to steady. My mind was filled with the same three notions, over and over again.

_ I am happy. _

_ I am real. _

_ I am practical.  _

My mind stilled, even if for just a moment to come to rational thought.

_ You have a family, now. You have people who love you. You know that you can make it through this. There’s no need for you to hurt yourself anymore. You will find the person that killed mom. You will find your brother, and you’ll be happy again. If you stay calm now, I’m sure you’ll be able to find out what’s going on and fix it. You will hold on.  _

Tiredness flooded over me as I felt the bleeding stop. I looked at my wrists once again, and the droplets of blood were now scabbed over. Sighing, I got up and went back to bed. 

The bed felt softer than it did before. The fibers of the blanket seemed lighter and more gentle, and when I laid down, the bed seemed to embrace me and welcome sleep. Much more gentle thoughts streamed in, lulling me to sleep.

“You’re going to make it through this, (Y/N).”

 

 

~???’s POV~

I looked happily at (Y/N)’s sleeping body, my heart clenching as she snored lightly. I wanted to help, I wanted to be there for her every second of every day. I knew my love needed me, even if she didn’t know it yet. I carefully caressed her hair, careful not to wake her. 

“You will love me some day, my Queen.” I whispered. Next to her, Daniel stirred, mumbling and turning over. If I wanted, I could kill him right now. That would give me the perfect opportunity to take my Queen for my own, and nothing could stop me. 

My senses came back to me quickly, letting me realize that this wouldn’t work at all. Daniel mumbled again, and I jumped back out the window I came from, putting the screen back in and closing it. I sat below the height of the window, smiling and thinking. 

I felt genuinely sorry that I had to take away (Y/N)’s brother like I did. But I knew I couldn’t let anyone take what was to be my place in her her heart. Her mother hurt her, so she had to be punished. Everything was falling into place, and as soon as Daniel was out of the way, I could be with my true love.

  
I would be with my Queen once more, even if that meant taking her by force. 


	5. The Sheets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I haven't updated since the beginning of the month! I've been doing so much school work that it's getting in the way of this, but I swear I will not let it die! Anyways, this chapter doesn't have any plot in it. It's basically just smut. Feel free to skip it if you don't want to read through that. Plus, it's not my best writing. I even had to ask a friend to help me with it. I'll keep this short so you can get reading, though. Thank you for sticking with me!

The next few weeks unfolded without flaw. I started working at a small cafe not too far from the “Grump Space” as everyone called it, and Dan and Barry were totally cool with me staying with them. It felt somewhat odd how fast everyone accepted me as a part of their family, but I also felt welcomed. 

Even my co-workers at the cafe seemed to like me. After getting the job, we immediately started bonding during our shifts, talking about what led us to a small cafe in LA. One of my co-workers, Kat, seemed to have one of the most extravagant stories.

“My boyfriend died just a few days before I was going to marry him,” She’d said to me one day, stringing her fingers through the blue streak in her dark red hair. Her voice was always sweet and calm sounding, and she always smiled. “I was devastated. I moved out here, talked to a therapist about it, and had to take Prozac for a while. One day, when I ran out, I realized I felt okay. The change of scenery really helped me.” Her blue eyes sparkled with hope. She seemed to always carry something happy with her, and I admired her for that.

Days passed normally, and for once, I felt happy. Not just for a moment, but even when I walked down the streets to work. I finally found something to live for. 

I did find days where urges rose, just like the scratching I had found myself doing that night. I had somehow found ways to calm myself, though. I even told Dan one night, and he said that I could wake him up anytime I needed to. 

I felt like I had a family again.

 

“So, I heard you were daaaaating someooooonne…” Kat drawled as we opened shop. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” She sounded almost accusing, and I laughed. Her jokingly angry face didn’t match her short frame at all. 

“Yeah, he’s actually the one that brought me down here, to L.A.” I explained, writing on a notepad about technical stuff. 

“Oooooh, you got a cruuuuuush…” Kat laughed childishly. “How long have you been dating?” 

“It’s be about two months now, I think. Maybe even three.”

“Do you live together?

“Yup.”

“Have you kissed?”

“No durr.”

“Have you fucked?”

At this I stopped and started laughing, feeling my face burst into shades of red. “Way to take it to the point!”

“Well, what else are you supposed to say?! ‘Have you done the doo with him?’” At this point, we were both laughing too hard to say anything. We sat there for a little while, trying to stop laughing. 

“No, we haven’t. He has tried getting a little  _ frisky  _ before, but we haven’t done anything yet.”

“And you’ve been together for two months, maybe three!?” Kat gasped. 

“Yeah…?” 

“You move it waaaaay too slow for my tastes.” She said.

“Pfft, well it's not your relationship, is it?” 

“Don’t sass me!”

“I’m older than you, so I’ll be as sassy as I want!” This pulled us into another fit of laughter. 

“But seriously, why haven’t you done anything with him yet? Soon enough you might not be able to.” 

“I’m not  _ that  _ much older than you!” I exclaimed before turning the sign from ‘closed’ to ‘open’. I sighed and started welcoming people into the cafe.

 

“Finally, you’re home!” Danny exclaimed after I walked through the door. I laughed as he got up from the computer and ran up to me, hugging me tightly.

“Not home yet, just at the Grump Space.” I laughed as he pecked kisses on my cheek and the top of my head. 

“Well, then can we go home? I want to cuddle and go to sleepytime junction.” He said softly. I laughed.

“Dan, it’s only one in the afternoon.” 

“But I’m tiiired.” He said, starting to lean on me. He may have been thin, but I wasn’t very strong. I stumbled, trying to push him up while laughing. 

“Stop! If I fall, you’re coming with me.” I laughed. Dan stood up. “I’m guessing you’re done with everything?”

“Yes, so can we go home?” 

“You sound like a kid, but okay.” I said. He smiled happily and said bye to everyone before we walked out to the car. 

 

    As soon as Dan and I got home, he started kissing me just like he had when I came back from work. He wrapped his arms around my waist and straddled me, rocking back and forth as he kissed me. I spoke in between pecks.

    “You seem extra happy tonight. Is there a reason for that?” I laughed as Dan just smiled.

    “I don’t know. Just you.” He said, his smooth voice sending chills throughout me. We stood there for a little while longer, him just smiling and staring at me.

    “Come on, there has to be a better reason than that.” I looked at Dan’s eyes as they searched me. Gently, he pushed me against a wall, his hands starting to explore my hips. I was a little startled by this, but completely welcoming. 

    “I’ve been wanting to ask you something, actually.” His voice seemed darker now, full of lust and passion. “Has anyone ever cared for you, more…  _ Intimately? _ ” 

“Is that your way of asking me to fuck you?” I replied cheekily.

He chuckled slightly. “Maybe.”

    I was never very straightforward about my own sexual intentions until it got to this point. When it did get to this, though, I got _ rough _ . And I decided that I would have my way with him,

    I pulled Dan towards me, my lips grazing over his. I pulled back quickly, the disappearance of my presence opening his eyes. He looked at me, confused. I laughed.

    “Did you really think I’d let you get away without a little bit of  _ teasing _ ?” I said, feeling a growl raise into my voice. Dan seemed a little startled by this, but definitely not opposing. He soon smiled deviously and started attacking me with his mouth, his tongue battling against mine. After pulling away for air, he quickly moved down, nipping and biting my jaw, neck, and collarbone.

    “Shirt. Off.” He demanded. I pulled away from him, my face burning up, and took my shirt off as slowly as possible. After drawing out the process of getting it up to my breasts, I heard Dan growl “Fuck it,” as he pulled my shirt out of my hands and off quickly. After throwing it somewhere in the room, his hands moved to the hook in the back of my bra.

“Is this okay?” He asked, a little lighter than he was before.

    “ _ Fuck _ yes.” After muttering out these words, he quickly unhooked it and pulled it off of me, immediately giving attention to my breasts. His hands massaged them lightly, and his thumb carefully rested over my tit. I moaned as he started nipping at my collarbone once more, and I could tell he was trying to leave a mark. 

    Suddenly, I felt his tongue swipe over one of my tits, the warm sensation making me moan once more, louder. He moved his hand away, letting his mouth do the job instead. Instead, his free hand carefully ran up my thigh, making me quiver under his touch. 

    I grabbed the neck of his shirt, pushing him back and allowing me to get off the wall. Holding a tight grip, I smashed my lips against his, almost desperate for more friction than I was getting. I eventually was able to push him into the bedroom and down onto the bed. I situated myself right above him, my hands having moved to grip the sheets.

    “God, you look so hot underneath me.” I whispered into his ear. Dan groaned, his pants starting to tent up. “Do you like that? I bet you fucking love seeing me shirtless on top of you, talking to you like a dirty little slut.”

    At this, Dan grabbed me again, switching our positions. He started pulling down my jeans, slightly growling. “You want to be treated like a dirty little slut? Because I sure as hell can arrange that.” He said, lowering himself and pulling off panties. 

    His tongue immediately found itself in my folds, brushing against my clit and making me whine. I was doing my best to contain my moans, and I think Dan could tell.

    “Don’t. I want to hear you fucking scream my name.” He said into my pussy, making me wail happily. I grabbed the curled hair at the nape of his neck, lightly pulling on it, which made Dan moan beautifully. “God, I want to fuck you on every piece of furniture in this goddamned house.”

    Even the concept of that made me want to fall apart into this, making me practically scream in pleasure. I could feel every nerve in my body flaring in pure ecstasy. His stubble rubbing against the bundle of nerves, his tongue on my walls, his lustful chocolate eyes staring up at me-

    I felt a full wash of joy run of me, making me shudder and groan loudly and happily. Dan licked my juices of his face, smiling smugly. I felt my heart pounding in my chest as I tried to catch my breath. 

    I pulled him up to me much more gently than I had been, though it was probably because of how weak I was from how hard I came. I softly pushed him down on the bed, climbing on top of him. 

“Why are you smiling?” I asked, pulling up his shirt. 

    “Because you look even hotter with no clothes on,” He kissed me softly. “And I’m lucky to have you.” He helped me pull off his jeans as kept talking. “God, you’re mine. That’s a blessing itself. I love you so much.” 

    “You know,” I started talking as I rubbed his hardened cock through his boxers. “I was going to tease you a bit more, but you’re just being such a  _ good _ boy. Good boys deserve treats, right?” I said, drawing out my words. Dan’s face turned to one of pure pleasure, him breathing in deeply as I began pulling down his boxers.

    “Please,” He started, his voice being taken over with heavy breathing and grunting.

    “Please what, Danny?” I teased. Dan just sighed shakily, bliss rendering him almost unable to move, much less speak. I moved my hands up his hips, tracing my fingertips along his bones. “God, you’re even more beautiful when I taunt you like this. You want me to stop, though, don’t you?” He looked down at me with an almost pained look on his face, begging. 

    In return to this, I decided that Dan probably deserved his ‘treat’ now. I pulled off his underwear, carefully taking his cock into my hand. I dragged my tongue along the underside of it, then took the head into my mouth. Dan shook as he sighed, finally getting the friction he needed. My tongue circled around his head, and my eyes closed. 

    I soon ventured further down, bobbing my head rhythmically. My hand reached down to my clit, rubbing it at the same pace. I looked back up to Dan, and the sight of this beautiful and perfect man desperately clutching at the sheets gasping and breathing heavily made me moan and move even farther down. This only made Dan grip at the sheets harder.

    I couldn’t reach all the way down because of how big his cock was, but when I got down as far as I could, I used the back of my tongue to rub against the head again. Dan groaned loudly, making me moan as well. 

    “Babe-” He said, cut off by his own breaths. I got the message quickly, and pulled back up, releasing him from me. He pulled me up to him again, vigorously attacking me with his mouth. I could still taste some of myself on his tongue. 

    “You have no idea how bad I need you inside of me right now,” I whispered breathlessly into Dan’s ear.

    “Clean? Birth control?” He asked. I nodded and let him continue laying back on the bed as I positioned myself above him.

    Slowly, inch by searing hot inch, I sank my hips back down with a sigh until my ass was pressed flush to his thighs. Dan’s face contorted into one of pure and untouched pleasure as he softly ran his fingertips up and down my sides, sending a shiver up my spine. 

    I pulled up, almost all the way off, and slammed back down hard, pulling a sharp and joyful cry from Dan’s throat. My hands flew to his chest to steady myself and he bucks upward, jolting me forward causing me to dig my fingernails into his skin. 

    “Fuck,” And his voice was so  _ wrecked _ , and it’s all I can do to not cradle his face and shush him because this man is the most beautiful thing I’d ever had. My reverie was promptly ended at it’s beginning when he bucked up into me again. I quickly set the pace of me coming up and back down, met with his hips coming up towards mine. It’s a perfect rhythm, both of us rocking together, the sound of skin on skin and frantic breath and stifled moans filling the room. 

    I bounced, and his hands griped tight around my hips again, pressing fingerprints into my skin to leave blossoms of faint purple and red, not yet seen in this dimly lit dream world. Dan’s soft little grunts and whining noises are music to my ears, and I can’t help but vocalise my breath on every downward thrust, him fucking up into me and it’s just so goddamn  _ perfect. _

    He soon had me lean down onto him as he started biting and nipping at my neck, desperate lo leave a mark. I quietly moaned into his ear, letting myself get consumed by him.

    “God, shit, I’m gonna...” He trails off, hoarse voice getting lost in the rhythm. I whispered into his ear,

    “Go on, baby.”

    And quickly I hoist myself up and grind my clit down onto the skin just above the base of him, which is just enough friction to send me over the edge. Seconds later I can feel him painting my insides and I wished I could have seen his face but it wasn’t until after that that I folded back down and pressed my cheek to his collarbone, and pulled off. 

    “I-” He started, but didn’t finish.

    “Yeah,” I said, dreamily. I could feel sleepiness start to take hold, making my eyelids drift shut. I forced myself to stay awake, though. I felt like I need to, just to be sure I wouldn’t wake up and it all have been a dream. Though, I wouldn’t have minded it much, I don’t think. I moved off of him, just cuddling up next to him.

    “I’ll clean up, okay, baby? You just get some sleep.” Dan said. He shifted a bit before I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him closer, my eyes closed

    “No. Cuddle.” I quietly demanded. I could feel him smile next to me. One of his hands laid on my waist, and the other ran through my hair as I drifted off, sleep slowly claiming me. 


	6. The Fight

Two more weeks passed normally from then on. I think that was one of my best times, a renaissance period. I had become a new person. My depressive tendencies seemed to come less often, and believe me, I kept track of every single one of them. Even when I did have an episode, I found something to fall back on, whether it be friends, Dan, or just distracting myself with Youtube or music. Even more so than before.

In terms of friends, I was getting a lot closer with people than I had expected to. Arin and Suzy had become two of my closest friends, along with Holly and (unfortunately) Ross, plus Kat. Barry felt like a brother to me, though it may have been because I was his roommate. Either way, I had been woven into this group of friends so fast, but it all felt so natural. It was welcoming, like I had a family again. I was so glad to have that again. 

I had this growing feeling of dread in my stomach throughout those two weeks, though. I could feel some sort of tension building up in the air, and something kept asking “When is it all going to fall apart?”

 

My questions were answered one night after work. I had been trying to do my job, with Dan waiting at a table for my shift to end. He sat there patiently, trying to write more songs for NSP with a cup of tea next to him.

“Hey there, sweetie.” A guy said to me as he came up to the counter. I wanted to scowl at him for the pet name, but I had a job to do.

“Hello, sir. What can I do for you today?” I asked, keeping a friendly smile on my face.

“I don’t know. How much do I have to pay to get you sprawled out on my bed?” He seemed to think he was being suave. I couldn’t hold up my facade much longer, and looked to him with a face of mixed concern and surprise. 

“Um…” I didn’t know what to say. “I-I’m sorry, I don’t do that kind of thing.”

“Oh, well if it’s a boyfriend, can’t we just ignore that for one night?” At this point, Dan had also noticed the stranger that was flirting with me. He looked at the man oddly.

“Sir, if you aren’t going to buy anything, I need to ask you to leave me alone, please.” I said, trying to maintain a look of professionalism. He scoffed. 

“Fine. I’ll have a latte.” He stated before looking away and putting his hands in his pockets. I walked away quickly to make his coffee, and looked back to Dan briefly. He just lightly glared at the man and turned back to his work.

 

“So, what was that about?” Dan asked. My shift had finally ended a little while later, and we sat in the car, driving through the streets of L.A. 

“That guy at the cafe? He just came up to and started hitting on me.” I said, scowling at the memory. “What an asshole.” I muttered. 

“Yeah.” Dan spoke almost defeatedly. I looked at him, curious. 

“Is something wrong?” I asked. He shifted in his seat. 

“No, it’s nothing.” He said, pulling into the driveway and shutting off the car. He walked into the house with his hands in his pockets. 

It was too quiet in the house for me. Barry must not have been home, because usually he was playing a video game or music. Something that make noise. 

I don’t know how it happened, but eventually, me and Dan started talking, then yelling and screaming at each other.

“What the fuck are you even saying?!” I screamed, trying to make my voice louder than his. I felt like Dan was speaking another language entirely. “I can’t even understand you at this point! Can you just stop yelling for one God damned second?!”

“Well, it’s not my fucking fault you were trying to get into some other guy’s pants!” He yelled. His curled hair was even messier than usual, and his eyes were filled with rage and sadness. How did we even end up miscommunicating that part so much? 

“Me?! I was trying to get him to leave me alone! Maybe if you had tried telling him to back off-”

“Don’t try to pin this on me! It shouldn’t be my job to keep you from cheating on me!”

“What has you so convinced I’d even want that in the first place?”

“Because I’m obviously not enough for you if you were hitting on someone else!”

“I wasn’t-” I cut myself off with a long and drawn out groan. This was more than frustrating. “I feel like there’s something else going on in that head of yours. You aren’t thinking like you normally do!” I yelled, not knowing how else to express my emotions. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion.

“Maybe you wouldn’t think that if you just stopped over complicating things all the time! Everything’s always about you, isn’t it?”

“Please, just calm down for a couple of seconds so we can talk about this! Like normal!” 

“No! You’ve just been so vague lately-” He cut himself off, obviously not wanting to say more. He knew he was about to go too far. I don’t think I did. 

“Can you, please, just for a second, tell me if I can do something to help? How can I reassure you of  _ anything _ right now?!”

“There it is again! You always say ‘Can I do this’, ‘Can I do that’, like there’s no one else in the whole damn world!”

“You aren’t listening! I want to help you, not myself!” 

“If you weren’t so reliant on me for everything, maybe you wouldn’t be so self-centered! Maybe you would be as fragile and breakable as you are!”

“Please, just stop!”

“You don’t have to be so insecure all the damn time!”

“Shut up!”

“I don’t even know why you act so vulnerable-”

“ **_Danny, please!_ ** ” I screamed at him, my voice going raw. All of a sudden, he knew what he just said. I just stood there for a minute, trying to compose myself as I looked at the ground. It didn’t seem to help very much, because soon enough, tears were falling onto the tan carpet. I felt my entire body shaking.

“I- Oh my God, I’m- I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, I-” Dan rambled on. His own voice trembled as he realized what chord he’d struck when he said that. “Fuck, I’m a complete dumb-ass, aren’t I,” He muttered, mostly under his breath. He carefully put a hand on my shoulder, trying not to startle or scare me. I still jumped back, though. Dan was obviously hurt by this. 

“Don’t. I just- I need a minute.” I said, trying to contain my sobs. I needed to be alone. Preferably in the bathroom. It had become like a safe-room for me, a place I’d go when I needed to be alone. I wasn’t sure why.

“No, I don’t want to leave you alone.” He said, sternly, but still gently, grabbing my wrist as I tried to walk away. 

“Why the hell not? You didn’t seem to care much before!”

“Yeah, but I was being an irrational dumb-ass! Please,” He said. I turned around to him, fury in my watering eyes.

“Please  _ what _ , Dan?” I could’ve sworn I heard a growl in my voice as I spoke. Dan looked at the ground, seemingly afraid to look me in the eyes. He whispered.

“Please don’t leave me.” 

I felt everything in me soften, all the tension and aggression I had built up in the past hour releasing and leaving me with little physical strength left. He pulled me into his arms, his hand running through the hairs on my scalp as he rested his chin on my head. His other hand slowly moved up and down my back, trying to comfort me. 

“Danny…”

“I’m sorry I said that. I swear, I didn’t mean it. If anything, I think I meant it more towards me. I’m just… I’m just so scared I’m going to lose you.” He whispered.

“Lose me how?” My voice was just as quiet as his. I felt betrayed and alone just a moment ago. How did this change so quickly? I could feel his chest rumble as he spoke.

“I don’t want you to do something like you did that first day. I don’t want to see that happen again. I don’t want to not catch you this time.” His voice wavered. I felt breathless at this. I didn’t realize he still thought about it. “I know that you’re fragile and insecure sometimes, and that’s not a bad thing. It just happens. I don’t want to lose you.”

He paused. He kept his hand running over my back, swaying back and forth. I could’ve stayed like that for an eternity. He spoke again.

“Sometimes I go to work and worry you might not be here when I get back. Sometimes I wonder if you’re actually as okay as you say you are. And it’s not always about you, either. You do so much just to keep me grounded and on my feet. I remember that one time you had a double shift I thought I was going to go crazy before you got home. I love you so much. You don’t know how scared I am of you just not being here one day.” His voice quivered and shook, and soon he did too. 

“I worry about you, too. I do over-analyse things too much, and sometimes I worry that something’s going wrong and you’re not telling me. I want you to tell me.” I said.

Dan looked outside for a moment, seeing it’d turned dark. He looked at the time, and though I didn’t see it, I could tell it was probably getting late. He pulled away slightly from our embrace, kissing me lightly on the forehead and lips before leading me to bed. 

We just laid there, silently holding each other. 

“It’s probably not an easy promise to make, but…” He trailed off, his voice raspy with sleepiness. “Promise you won’t do anything to hurt yourself after I fall asleep? Ever? Because that scares me a lot, too.”

“That is easy, though. I promise.” I said. Dan held me a little closer to him, almost as if he didn’t hold hard enough, I’d disappear. 

“Good.” I heard him whisper before his breathing steadied and his heartbeat slowed. I just laid there, listening to his breathing. I closed my eyes, soon falling into a dreamless sleep.

 

When I woke up, I found myself grabbing onto barren sheets. I opened my eyes slowly, trying not to let the sunlight in too fast. I hummed in curiosity at where Dan had gone, and sat up.

As if on cue, he walked into the room. He had two plates of food, chocolate chip pancakes and toast on them. One had bacon on it as well. 

“Hey, little lady.” He said tiredly. He sat down on the bed, handing me the plate with bacon on it and a fork. I looked at him, a little confused. “I still felt bad about last night, and I woke up early. I wanted to something nice for you.” He spoke with a small smile on his face, probably to keep himself optimistic. He didn’t look at me. I could tell he was afraid I’d be angry with him. I moved next to him carefully and wrapped my arms around him, burying my face into his shoulder. He was tense for a moment.

“Thank you. Thank you so, so much.” I murmured. The tension disappeared as he leaned into my touch. 

“Just eat, you must be starving.” He pushed my plate of food closer to me. I let him go and started eating, just happily enjoying what I had.

 

Later, we walked around town for a while, just talking about anything we could think of.

Our talking was soon interrupted as police cars sped by, sirens wailing. They stopped nearby, showing us that the sidewalk in front of us was blocked off with police tape. Dan and I looked to each other, silently asking if we should take a look. 

When we looked over, the man that had hit on me the previous day was there. Though, he was not in handcuffs, but brutally sprawled out on the pavement with a frozen look of terror on his face. His chest and stomach was brutally torn open as if he was mauled by a dog. Blood stained the sidewalks around him.

I gasped and jumped back when I saw this. Dan grabbed me and pulled me back, not wanting me to see the gruesome scene. An officer approached us.

“Sorry to bother you two, but did you know this man?” She asked kindly. I shook my head.

“No, not by name. He hit on me yesterday, at work, though.” I said, shock evident in my voice. The woman grabbed her notebook and wrote something down.

“I see. You don’t know much else about him?” She asked. I shook my head again. I didn’t know anything else, but even if I did, I don’t think I would have been able to share it. 

Dan was talking to me about something, but I didn’t hear it. I just looked at the body of the man. I could feel something like an alarm firing off in me. I then realized that the sense of an impending downfall hadn’t disappeared after the fight like I had wanted it to. 

And in fact, it only grew stronger with every second I looked at the dead body.


	7. The Change

“You’ve had a long day,” Kat said, wiping off the tables. “Get heading home.” She sounded so much more calm than normal. She almost seemed like she had been thinking too much. 

“You sure I shouldn’t help you clean up?” 

“No. Go on, lover girl. Danny boy’s waiting for ya.” She said, shrugging me off and returning to the tables. 

“If you’re so sure. See you later, then.” I grabbed my bag and walked out of the door onto the busy sidewalks of L.A. Normally this is the place I would say something deep and thoughtful, but it was just a normal day. 

Then a hand grabbed my arm, violently pulling me away from the bustling streets. Panic rushed through me immediately, making me gasp and flail my arms about. The persons hand wrapped around my mouth, silencing my new attempts to scream. 

Quickly I tried to look at the man, but he was moving between shadows too fast for my eyes to focus on him. I looked to the spot I’d been pulled from, hoping for someone to see me. 

A pair of eyes met mine for a quick second before a felt a sharp pain in the crook of my neck.  _ ‘A needle?’ _

“Shh. Go to sleep. You’ll wake up in a much safer place, lovely.” A familiar voice whispered as the world blurred around me, fading out quickly.

* * *

 

~Dan’s POV~

 

I woke up around eight o’clock at night, a light shake on my shoulder getting me up.

“Hmm? (Y/N)?” I said drowsily, though it was mostly muffled by the bean bag I had laid on.

“Nope. I was just about to ask you if you knew where she was.” Arin’s voice called out to me. I sat up, stretching. 

“Uh… No. She should be here by now, right?” 

“Yeah. I thought she gets out at six, but it is a Friday, so maybe they’re open later?” Arin looked at the window, seeing the dark sky. He looked confused and a little concerned.

“No, it’s usually six on fridays, too. It’s weird she’s not back yet, though.” I worried a bit, thinking back. 

I was trying to remember how long ago that fight was. It must have been at least a week, right? She wouldn’t be avoiding me for it, I don’t think. Maybe that whole police scene shook her up more than I thought? 

No, she was so happy yesterday. She even said she might want to be on an episode of Game Grumps with us sometime. She was probably just hanging out with some people at work. 

But after another hour of waiting, she still hadn’t shown up. Panic started pricking at me, making me feel fidgety and unsettled. Arin clearly noticed. 

“Dude, if you’re that worried about her, why don’t you just walk down there or call her?” He said. I stood up and stretched, thinking. 

“No. She might just be cleaning up or something, right?” 

Arin sighed and pulled on his coat. “Come on, we’ll go and look for her now.” 

 

The cafe didn’t give us many answers. A girl at the cafe said that she was walking towards where she normally went after work, but then she was just…

Gone. 

Arin and I looked around the place where she might have disappeared, and found a thin alleyway. It was barely big enough to fit us inside, but we did.

“Um... You’re gonna want to see this.” Arin said, his voice nervous and shaking. I looked over to where he was talking about, and there I saw the biggest clue the cops must have missed.

There on the ground laid a broken syringe and droplets of blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shIT you guys I've been so motivated lately. I'm proud to say that All At Once will be done HOPEFULLY sometime in February or March. I'm so glad to have been able to share this with all of you, and I hope I get to keep writing and sharing. I'd also like to say that, on New Year's eve, I will be posting a special story for the coming of 2017. 
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me. I hope you had a happy christma-hanu-kwanza, and I hope 2017 will be a better year for all of us!
> 
> (Also, sorry for the short chapter.)


	8. The Ropes

Everything was so blurry. I was dizzy from where I sat, slowly rocking side to side. I tried to look around, but I saw nothing but the faint outline of two people, one seemingly sitting and the other standing.

“D-Dan?” I muttered out, desperate to hear or see something familiar. One of the people there gasped, and the other just came closer to me. 

“Lovely,” He said. One person came to mind, though the name, I couldn’t recall. I remembered he had a stutter, and I met him outside somewhere… 

Silas. 

The name came to me suddenly as he spoke once again. “Darling, you are even more beautiful when you’re awake.” He said, his fingertips ghosting over the side of my face. Instincts made me pull away, repulsed by the comment and his touch. 

“What… What did you fucking do to me?” I demanded, trying to clear my vision. When it did, I could see Silas kneeling down in front of me. I could still vaguely remember what he looked like when I first saw him. 

His chestnut hair was still ruffled, probably even more so, and it was a bit longer than I remembered, brushing his ears. His smile was slightly twitching, and his hazel eyes were big with curiosity and joy. His body was thin, and his eyes sunk into his face in a way that reminded me of a “recovering” drug addict.

“Queen, I’m so, so glad you’re finally awake.” He said. The stutter in his voice was completely gone, and his tone seemed a bit more sadistic than I recalled. 

“Why are you here? Why am I?” I strained.

“Well, when I saw you were leaving San Francisco, I knew I had to come with you! I couldn’t let the love of my life get away that easily, right? So I grabbed (B/N) and came here, found a hotel, and settled in.” He said. 

My mind was reeling. He had followed me here? Love of his life? “The- The man at the cafe… The one that hit on me- That was you, wasn’t it?” I managed to pull out anger in my tired voice. I almost felt like I was going to throw up, putting so much strain on my voice. Silas turned away from me, suddenly not happy at all. He didn’t answer, but that was all I needed. “Where are we?”

“Underground.”

“ _ Where _ underground, asshole?” Another voice chimed in. I recognised it almost immediately. (B/N)’s features were still too blurred for me to see clearly, but I knew he was there. 

“I can’t take that risk. I need you. Here. With me.” Silas said. Tears started pooling up in my eyes as I realized how bad this situation was.

“Please, just let me and him  _ go _ !” I screamed, struggling against the chair I’d sat in. The ropes against my wrist started to burn from my turning and trying to escape. Tears streamed down my face as Silas looked at me with the most sorrowful look I had ever seen on him.

“My Queen…” He said, carefully caressing my cheek. “You don’t really want to leave me, do you? You know I love you, dear. Much more than Daniel ever would.” He said carefully. He gently wiped away my tears, but I turned away from him. 

“Don’t t-touch me, you psychopath.” I murmured. Silas made an animalistic noise of distress and sadness, and shied away from me. He slowly walked over to (B/N), sadness and anger in his gaze. He paused for a while before speaking again.

“How badly do you want to leave?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, appalled that he would think that there was the slightest chance of me wanting to stay with him.

“Where will you go after this? Where will  _ he _ go?” Silas started, keeping his gaze on my brother, who looked at our kidnapper seethingly. “You know things will never be the same, even if you did escape. You’d have to kill me before I let you go willingly. But maybe…” Silas smiled and turned to me as he spoke. “You could stay here. We could have a happy family. It would be like normal.” 

My eyes welled up with tears at these words. I searched for any other answers I could find. “W-What if someone finds us? What’ll you do then?” Silas smiled painfully.

“You’ve been here for two whole days and no one’s finding you. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t looking. Even in the unlikely scenario that they do find us here, I have two hostages right in front of me.” He smiled evilly. I felt myself start crying again, looking into my lap and sobbing. I hadn’t even realized how long I had been here, as the basement was so dark.

“ ** _You’re a monster!_** I’ll _never_ love you! I don’t care if you kill me or (B/N) or anyone else I love, I’ll _never_ fucking stay here with you!” I screamed. My voice felt hoarse as sobbed as loud as possible, hoping someone would hear me. Silas sighed. 

“Fine. If that’s how you feel…” He said, sounding on the verge of tears. “I’ll leave you be.” He approached the stairs. (B/N) looked at me. 

“I have a plan.” He said quietly. 

I felt anticipation crawl up my spine. 

“He doesn’t want me here. If I find a way out of here, a way for him to let me go, maybe I could get the police here. Maybe…”

“He would kill you first.” 

“Maybe he would.” He said, looking away with a face that had shown how he had given up. I just stared for a minute. He’d changed. I started crying again, and struggled against the ropes that bound me. I saw blood start to well up after a while, but I could’ve sworn I felt the ropes loosen, so I kept pulling and moving against the rope. 

“(Y/N), stop.” (B/N) said. I blocked him out in my mind, just trying to escape. “Stop.” He said again. I didn’t listen, more blood starting to come out of my wrists. “ _ (Y/N), stop! _ ” He yelled. I finally listened but still didn’t look at him, tears streaming down my face from the pain in my wrists and everything about the situation I was stuck in. 

“(B/N)?” I asked. He hummed in response. “I don’t want you to die.”

“I don’t want to either, but I don’t want you to be stuck here with that miserable excuse for a human being.” He said. All of a sudden, He looked startled and scared, and another needle stabbed into my neck. 

“When you wake up, I hope you’ll be ready to stay with me.” Silas’ voice whispered to me. My vision blurred and my ears started to ring. 

“(Y/N)!” (B/N) gasped. He tried to say something else, but everything was fading away into static. I fell asleep quickly after that.

 

 

_ “Dan, no! Stop!” I laughed, running away from him. I jumped on and over the couch quickly, turning to see him at the other end ready to leap. As soon as he did, I ran to the side, leaving him to fall on the couch. I sat on his back, making it impossible for him to get up.  _

_ “No!” He laughed again. “Get off me!”  _

_ “Are you going to stop trying to tickle me?”  _

_ “Never!”  _

_ “Then you’ll be stuck under me forever.” _

_ “I wouldn’t mind that.” _

_ “Danny!”  _

_ He just laughed, making me laugh as well. I got up and let him sit down on the couch next to me.  _

_ Quickly he wrapped his arms around me, tickling my waists and making me shriek again, laughing.  _

_ “I’m gonna get’chya! I’m gonna get’chya!” He said, holding me close to him. I tried to get up and away, but he held me down. I couldn’t even get out the words to tell him to stop with how hard I was laughing, tears starting to brim up.  _

_ He eventually stopped and just sat there with his arms wrapped around my waist, his chin resting on my shoulder. I could feel his smile next to me as he whispered.  _

_ “I love you.” _

  
  


~Dan’s P.O.V.~

 

“Two days. It’s been two whole days since she disappeared, Brian. What if someone kidnapped her? What if they’re not giving her water? She’ll be dead by tomorrow night if she hasn’t gotten water, and what about the fact that she might have-” I couldn’t say that. She wouldn’t have. She’s made so much progress, she wouldn’t have tried again. 

Brian stood next to the couch as I paced around the room. He looked aghast and thunderstruck, not knowing what to say. A strained noise escaped me, a mixture of a scream and sob. My hands gripped my hair. 

“The police have found  _ nothing _ . I can’t lose her!” My yelling stopped as I leaned over and rested my arms on the couch, my whole body feeling worn out from stress and tension. Brian sighed and rubbed my back, thinking.

“Dan, I think there are just… Some -  _ possibilities _ \- that you should consider.” He said nervously. I stood up straight and looked at him, fury burning through me. 

“Like what? She’s dead?”

“No! No, I mean…” He didn’t dare look me in the eye at that moment. He sighed. “I mean…”

“What  _ do _ you mean, then?” 

“I mean maybe the best thing you can do is find her yourself.” He said, having the same rage burning in him suddenly. “I have a wife and kid. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling right now, but I’m going to start with panic. If you’re that scared for her, then you have to do something about it.” 

I just stared at Brian for a long minute. My rage had burned out, but his hadn’t. He just kept staring at me intensely, waiting for me to make a decision.

“You’re right. I should get going now. I need to start looking for her. If she’s in danger, if she…” My throat had a lump in it, making breathing feel harder. “I can’t lose her.” I repeated in a voice nothing above a whisper. 

“Then go! Go and find her before it’s too late!” He started pushing me outside of the apartment, determined to make me do something. I ran out, determination flooding through me. 

I went back to the alley way where we found the syringe, trying to find some other clue. There was nothing else, though, just dried blood and swept away glass. I sat down, feeling burned out. There was no where else I could go. No other clues to follow. 

“Y-You knew her?” I heard a worn and old voice croak, aimed towards me. The woman using it sounded scared. I turned. 

She had hair that was tattered with dust, graying and brown. Scared brown eyes looked at me, glimmering with some hope that I could help. She was thinner than me, too much so. 

“I saw her get taken. By a man. I…” She stopped. 

“Did you see where she went?” I said, standing up and feeling my heart pound in my throat. 

“Yes. Sort of. I want to help, though.” The woman seemed so determined to help, and scared at the same time. I could understand. “There was a strange man that grabbed her from the sidewalk. He stuck a needle in her, and she passed out. He… He was so gentle with her, it was strange.” 

“Did you see what he looked like?” 

“No, it was too dark. But he went through the alleys, I lost him near the abandoned theater. He must be somewhere near there. Please, I didn’t do anything to save her, so you need to.” The woman looked at me with desperation. I nodded. 

“I will. Thank you. Thank you, so, so much.” I said before running through the alleys, trying to find my way through them. 

“God bless you, boy! Find that girl! Save her!” 

I swore to whatever god there was out there that I would.

 


	9. The Dead

It was still so blurry when I woke up again. The drugs running through my veins were starting to make me feel deteriorated. Though, it could have been the dehydration. My throat was dry, and my tongue had swollen in my mouth, praying for any water it could find. 

My mind was a swirling pit of emotions, barely starting to bubble up. I thought, trying to remember what I had just been thinking about. I was happy about something. 

A dream. God, that dream. Why did my mind have to torture me like this? Memories that played through my head felt like blade being pushed into my stomach blissfully. Those happy moments had turned sour, twisting through my gut. It was so joyously taunting. I hated everything about it, every part of it burning like acid running through my skin. It begged the question that Silas had tempted.

How could I be happy again? How could I ever lead a normal life after all the things that had happened? How could I even get out of here and still be okay? And what would Dan think? How could I ever go back and look at him as the man I’d fallen in love with? How could he look at me and see me as the woman I was?

_ Where was (B/N)?  _

The question came like a flash of lightning, sending my heart into my throat. He had disappeared from the chair he had been tied down to, the pieces of rope fallen to the floor. I wanted to scream out, but if he had found a way to escape, I didn’t want to sell him out. 

Suddenly I heard a struggle from halfway across room. I heard (B/N) yell out, and what I hoped was Silas falling to the ground. A light flickered on weakly, showing (B/N) over Silas, a foot on his chest to keep him from getting up. 

“You sick basta-” 

“ _ No! _ ” I yelled out, seeing Silas pull out his knife and dig it ruthlessly into (B/N)’s leg. He screamed, falling to the ground as Silas pulled out his knife and stood up. (B/N)’s eyes brimmed with tears, as he clutched his leg, blood seeping through his fingers. 

“(B/N), what were you trying to do?” Silas’ voice trembled, sadistically thrilled to finally be holding his precious dagger in his hand again. 

“No! Please, please don’t do this!” I yelled. He looked over to me, a cold and sad look in his eyes. 

“I’m sorry, love. I can’t let this happen to us.” He spoke quietly. “I’ll take him outside for this. And I’m so sorry.”

He grabbed (B/N) by the shirt collar, up the stairs and through the trapdoor. Sunlight came through it briefly, making my longing to escape even stronger. (B/N) didn’t even resist as he was pulled up the creaking wooden steps.

I stayed completely silent until Silas returned. I didn’t want to scream. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t even want to think. Everything around me had been muted.

The door creaked open once again, letting dusk light in. I didn’t even look up. 

“(Y/N)? Love?” I heard his voice chime in. 

“Yes?” I answered. I felt brain dead. No part of me had any will to function or rebel. 

“I was wondering if you’d like to do something with me?” 

“Such as?”

“Maybe a game of chess?” I finally pulled myself up and looked at Silas, expressionless. His hands and arms were covered in blood, and his face was dotted with it as well. I just stared at him for a long time.

 

“Knight to A-7.” I said. Silas had devised a system for me to play with him without untying me. He numbered the rows of the board with letters, A to H, and the columns with numbers, 1 to 8. He didn’t even bother to wash off before playing the game, he just gave me water and took out the chess pieces and board. 

He moved my knight to the spot I said to. I watched as he thought, a large smile on his face. 

“Are you going to move?” I asked.

“Sorry, I just…” He looked up to me with a goofy grin on his face. It reminded me too much of Dan. “I’m so glad you’ve finally come to your senses. Can’t you see that we’re perfect for each other?” 

“If you say so.” I replied. 

At least my will power had stayed strong enough to be keep my tears silent when they started falling.

  
  


~Dan’s P.O.V.~

 

After yesterday’s search turned up fruitless, I returned to the last spot that the lady saw the person that took (Y/N). It had already gotten dark, with the cold weather starting to kick in. I didn’t think it was late enough to be dark yet, but here it was, 5:30 in the afternoon and dark as midnight. 

I held my phone in my hand, the flashlight on and cutting through the dark with ominous precision. My eye caught the sight of something, making me turn to it. 

_ ‘That’s a lot of blood.’ _ I thought as the light moved around. I moved it up towards the source, preparing myself for the worst. 

Ruffled and bloodstained hair. Terrified and dead eyes. A deep cut in his leg and two large slits on his wrists. Worst of all, his mouth hung loosely open, blood covering his jaw and most of his neck. I felt my entire body shake as I quickly moved the flashlight away, not wanting to see more. I carefully moved the light to see where the blood trail led. 

There was a manhole cover, and a trail of dark red that led up to the person that laid there. Part of me broke as I glanced back to the man, realizing he had a stunning familiarity to someone I knew. 

Suddenly I heard shuffling behind me. Metal clanking on pavement. I ran behind an abandoned dumpster, desperately trying to shut off the flashlight. I held my breath, trying to listen to whoever was there. 

“Hello? Is anyone there?” Someone yelled out. “I have a knife.” As if that would make me come out. I felt my lungs scratching at my chest for breath, but I refused. I didn’t know if this guy would hear me. 

He took a few steps around, looking for anyone. 

And then the metal clanking sounded out again. 

“Sorry to leave you, darling! I just had to make sure no one would find us.” He called into the hole in the ground. A heartless and broken voice called back, sounding almost like a robot. 

“Yeah,” She called. I recognized her voice immediately. I wanted to scream out to her, tell her I’m here and I’m going to get her out of there, even if I get killed trying to do it. 

As soon as the sewer cover closed up, I took in as much breath as I could fit in my lungs. I scrambled over to the cover, leaning to the ground and hoping I could hear something. Stairs creaked as the man walked down the steps. 

“Hey, Silas?” (Y/N) asked, still sounding just as broken as she had before. 

“Yes, lovely?” 

“Are you proud of yourself?” Suddenly, life was in her voice. Not just life, but profound sadness and fury. She was disconsolate and livid all at once. “Are you proud that you’ve been able to kill all these people, kidnap them, torture them, and get away with it? Are you glad that I’m going to miserable with you forever?” 

“Oh, but you’re not miserable, are you?” Silas sounded confused and thoughtful. “I love you with all of my heart. I’m happy, and that means you are too, right? That’s how true love works!” 

I stood up, needing to leave before I heard anything else. I couldn’t take it. “Love” doesn’t work like that. “Love” is being there for them when they need you. “Love” is knowing you two might be different, but accepting that and caring for them through it. 

“Love” is not killing someone’s family and kidnapping them.

 

I somehow ended up at Arin and Suzy’s house, emotion boiling inside of me. All of the anger that I’d felt before had turned into fear, making me feel jumpy and paranoid. I let myself in the house. 

“Dan? What are you-”

“I found (Y/N).”

Suzy’s eyes widened, shocked and worried. “Where is she? She’s not…” She stopped herself from saying what Arin was thinking. 

“No, but she might be if we’re not careful. This guy named Silas kidnapped her and her brother.” I answered, trying to think of what I should do. 

“Her brother was there too?” 

“Yeah.  _ Was _ .” I shuddered at the thought. Arin and Suzy seemed to understand. 

“What should we do? Call the cops?” Arin asked. 

“No!” I suddenly called out. The couple looked at me, surprised. “No, they- He’d probably use her as a hostage, and I don’t see that ending well.” 

“What else are we gonna do? Give  _ you _ a gun and send you after her?” Arin asked. We stared at each other for a moment, until an incredulous look dawned upon him. “You gotta be kidding me! You’re going to get yourself killed!”

“I can’t just sit by not knowing what’s going to happen to her!”

“Danny, you’re my best God damned friend. I’m not going to let you go out there and go chasing after a  _ serial killer _ !” 

“You don’t understand!” 

“I don’t need to, I already know this is a stupid idea!” 

 

_ “Imagine if it was Suzy!”  _

 

Arin opened his mouth to say something, but was stopped. He suddenly looked brooding and pensive. Suzy walked up next to him, hugging him softly after thinking for a moment. 

“I think I understand, Dan.” She whispered, barely loud enough to hear. 

“I still think there’s a better way to do this.” Arin said. Suzy whispered in his ear, then looked to him with an affinity that I don’t think I’d seen before. “Yeah, but I… I can’t just watch this happen. I don’t know what’ll happen to you. I…” He trailed off. 

“I need to get some rest. How about we talk about it in the morning?” I offered. Arin nodded. 

“Yeah, I guess. You should just crash here.” 

“Definitely. Thank you.” I felt somehow calmer than before. Arin looked at me for a minute longer. Then he groaned and hugged me tightly. I was surprised for a minute, but hugged back. 

“I fucking swear, if you die, I’m going to kill you.” He said. I could feel the smile on his face, but there wasn’t any heart in it. 

“Well, then stop acting like it’s the last time you’re going to see me. I’ll be back whether you like it or not.” I joked. 

Eventually, we pulled apart, saying goodnight to each other.

I just hoped it wouldn’t be the last time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I was sorry but I'm really not and I'm sorry about that.


	10. The Note

I blinked open my eyes, feeling dread in my stomach. Part of me was still saying to tell Dan to stop, just go the police and let them take care of it. 

Suzy knew that was how I’d feel. She also knew that Dan was going to be stubborn about it, and that there was no way to talk him out of it now. I shoved my face into my pillow, letting out a quiet and short groan.  _ ‘Maybe if I just stay in bed all day, Dan won’t talk about what he’s going to do and he won’t do it.’ _ Ha. Yeah, right.

“Hey, babe, are you up?” Suzy asked. 

“Yeah,” 

“We should go and talk to Dan about this, shouldn’t we?” 

It was silent for a while. Neither of us moved. Maybe Suzy was thinking the same thing I had, hoping that Dan wouldn’t be as irrational and hasty as he was. 

“Hey, Suzy?” I asked, quietly. My face was still buried in my pillow. 

“Hmm?”

“I’m really scared.” I admitted. “(Y/N) was my friend.  _ Is _ my friend. If she’s already gone, I don’t want to lose Dan, too.” Suzy moved closer to me.

“I’m scared too.” She said, rubbing my back softly. It was quiet for a little while longer. “Hey, do you remember that conversation you had about fate with Dan?” 

“I don’t think so,” 

“Well, Dan was basically saying that we’ll run on whatever information we have at whatever moment. So, if you traveled into the past with whatever information you had then and not now, you’d make the same decisions. That’s kind of like fate, right?” 

“Yeah, I guess it is.” I said, thoughtfully. I was trying to imagine how this mattered to our conversation when she spoke again. 

“So maybe this is just his fate. There are just somethings we can’t change, and this might be one of them.”

I didn’t move for a while, thinking. I wanted to complain. Why couldn’t I change it? Why did these kinds of things have to happen? I didn’t want to just watch these things happen. Why did I have to? All because of some destiny bullshit?

But it was more than that. Dan wouldn’t give this up, no matter how hard I tried. He didn’t realize what he was doing, but if that whole fate thing is right, someone else would. 

I looked up to Suzy, who was looking back curiously. “You ready?” 

I sighed. “As I’ll ever be.” 

Suzy smiled at me and got up with me, walking out to the living room where we assumed Dan had went to bed after last night.

 

But the couch was empty, and the coffee table had nothing but a note on it. Panic flooded through me as I saw the note. I ran over, grabbing it and reading it quickly.

 

_ “Hey Arin,  _

_ Sorry I didn’t wait for you to get up. I can’t wait any longer, though.  _

_ If I’m not back by noon, call the cops. Tell them I went to the alley _

_ behind the old theater. There’s a sewer there that leads to some sort  _

_ of hideout or something.  _

 

_ I'll try to be back, _

_ Danny.”  _

 

I felt even more panicked than before. I ran both my hands through my hair, dropping the note back on the table. “Shit, shit,  _ shit _ .” I muttered. Suzy looked at the note and suddenly looked as scared as me. 

“Um… Well, even if we had talked to him, this would have been the plan anyways, right? And, uh, at least we know where he is.” She reasoned, seemingly talking to herself. 

“Yeah, I- guess so. Do you think we should tell Barry or Brian or something?” 

“No, not until we know what’s happening. They’ll be just as worried as we are, and there’s no need for that.” 

“Yeah. So…” I trailed off. “I guess we just wait?” 

“There’s nothing else we can do.”


	11. The Broken

I hadn’t slept in God knows how long. Every time I thought I’d fallen asleep, I’d jump up with fear that I wouldn’t wake up. Again, I felt dizzy from lack of water, but it was less crucial than last time. I mostly just wanted sleep now.

“Darling?” I hated that voice. I hated that name. He rarely ever called me by my real name. His voice was always too sincere sounding, so sweet that it made me sick to my stomach. If I had any food in there, I’d probably throw up every time I heard it. “I brought us cards! I found you liked them a while ago, but I forgot until now.” 

“Hey. Do you have a mirror?” I asked, ignoring his comments about cards. It made me feel even worse to hear about how long he’d been stalking me. It apparently started on Christmas Eve seven years ago, where he’d seen me at a party and “fallen in love” with me immediately. 

He followed me home that night, and the next night, and every night after. He found out about my resentment towards my mother and, determined to stop me from ever getting hurt by her again, killed her in cold blood. 

Years later, he noticed I hadn’t ever shown romantic interest in anyone. He thought it was because I was so attached to my brother, that I didn’t want anyone to come between us. So he kidnapped him, hoping it’d be the last push I needed for him to have a chance. 

I was snapped out of my thoughts when Silas spoke again. “No, but you can use my phone’s camera. Here,” He held out his phone, letting me look at myself. 

Dark circles had formed under my eyes, and my expression looked like a dead fish’s. My hair was a mess. I sighed, looking down at the rest of my body. Both of my wrists were stained with red from my struggling in the days prior. I wouldn’t be surprised if it left a bad scar. 

“You’re still beautiful, you know. Would you like to play a card game?” Silas asked. His hazel eyes looked so gentle, that for a moment, I thought of him as human, like me. But I knew he was a monster. 

I was about to complain about how I couldn’t play with my wrists tied to the arms of the chair when we heard shuffling above. At first, I thought it must have been a person passing by like yesterday’s(?) events, but this sounded more careful. It sounded like someone looking for me. I could feel hope pour into me, tired of being boarded up for so long. 

Silas noticed that this was different as well. He walked silently over to the underside of the stairs, grabbing a bundle of rope and a cloth. He took out his knife and cut off the ropes that bound my arms to the chair, quickly tying them together. 

“Sorry, love. I have to.” He whispered before shoving the cloth in my mouth and tying another rope in between my teeth and around my head. If my mouth hadn’t been completely dry, the cloth would’ve sucked out the rest of the moisture there. Quickly, Silas pulled me up from the chair after he unbound me. He walked to the wall furthest from the stairs and shut off the lights, dragging me with him. 

I tried to be fast about it, but when I tried to pull away and run to the exit, Silas already had grabbed me by the shirt collar and kept me from moving. 

“I could feel you tense up.” He whispered. I could feel warm blood trickle down my neck as the blade Silas held lightly traced it’s way across. My pulse pounded where the knife lay, making the small cut seem monumentally worse. 

“Listen, if you want to live, you’ll have to follow my directions. Okay? You know I don’t want to hurt you, but I have to.” Silas’ voice was so steady and smooth that it was scary. I nodded carefully, afraid if I moved too much, the knife would find itself deeper in my throat. “Good girl.” Silas said in response. I gagged, probably in combination of the cloth in my mouth and his praise.

Footsteps carefully padded above the ground, trying to find an entrance to the bunker I had been in for so long now. Though I thought the people to find me would be a team of police, it seemed like there was only one person above. 

The tapping of their feet eventually stopped on metal.  _ ‘The hatch.’ _ My mind jumped to. I waited for a moment as there was more shuffling, and slowly, creaking. Sunlight poured in from the crack in the ground, and soon, a shadow. 

“You’re going to be quiet. You’re not going to make a sound.” Silas said in a voice that was even more quiet that I thought he could manage. 

I saw a foot gently place down on one of the steps, testing the creaking wood’s strength. The person made their way down, the trapdoor closing as they crouched down and closed it. They must not have know we’d already seen them. It was too dark to see anything now that the moonlight had faded. 

I could feel one of Silas’ hands stray away from me, the knife held firmly in place. A light flickered on, dim, but just light enough for me to make out who the person was in front of me. 

A man stood about ten feet in front of me. Dark brown, almost black, curled hair bounced at his shoulders. It was unruly, obviously not to be easily tamed by any hair straightener any time soon. His cheeks dipped slightly inwards, perfectly made for smiling. Although, his honey-glow skin didn’t match the obvious terror on his face as he held a shaky grip on a pistol. His bright chocolate eyes went wide as saw me and Silas standing there, a thick barrier of tension keeping us apart. His thin body threatened to curl into itself as he pointed the gun towards Silas, who I could feel smiling.

Dan. 

Silas started laughing, making me scared his hand would fluster and get the knife he held caught in my throat. “You? Daniel! I’d say it’s good to see you again, but I’m sure you wouldn’t return the compliment.” 

Dan just stood there. 

Silas’ laughing stopped. “Put the gun down.” Dan didn’t move, just held his gaze in mine. “I said  _ put the damn gun on the ground _ ! You think I’m afraid to kill her, but you’re wrong.” 

“Okay, okay, just- Don’t hurt her.” Dan said, crouching down and putting the gun on the floor carefully. 

“You can help me avoid that. I don’t want to hurt her, you know. Now, kick the gun towards me.” Dan stood up and put his hands on the back of his head, and carefully nudged the pistol away. “ _ Towards. Me. _ ”  Dan kicked it harder, letting it slide to the wall next to us. “Good. On your knees.” Dan fell to his knees, tense and afraid.

Silas let go of me and carefully pushed me back to the wall. My pulse pounded in my ears as I watched Silas get closer and closer to Dan as he twisted his knife in his hand.

"Oh, Leigh." He started, looking down at Dan. "What did you expect? I would see you with a gun and just say 'Oh, shit. Here's  _ my  _ love, go ahead and take her away from  _ me _ , her  _ true love _ ."

I felt like I couldn't move. My breath had been taken away from me, and my whole body shook. But there wasn't anything I could do, anyways, was there? I felt something tap against my foot, sounding out a small click.  _ The gun. _

"You should have known that she'd be happier here, with me. You know I love her more than you ever could have.” I bent down, struggling to grab the gun with how tightly my hands were tied, but I eventually found it firmly in my hands. The metal was so cold, it almost burned to hold it. It very well could have been the nerves in my hand, though, firing off in rejection to pistol. 

Silas kicked Dan in the stomach with a furious and animalistic growl. Dan impulsively curled up, wrapping his arms around his stomach and falling to his side. He just laid there for a moment, groaning in pain. Rage pulsed through my veins, helping me to lift the gun shakily to Silas’ head.

“Oh, and one more thing, Leigh,” Silas began. Dan’s eyes were glued to me, though, and if his gaze could have spoke it would have been screaming out  _ ‘Don’t do this.’ _ Silas spoke as I approached. 

“You should never point a gun at someone when you’re not prepared to-” 

 

The recoil sent my hand flying up, the booming sound of gunfire piercing my ears abruptly. Bullet hit stone, sending chipped cement into the air and leaving a cloud of dust. 

“...Shoot.” Silas finished his sentence almost as I had forgot what I said. He dropped the knife that he had held and turned to me. The gun was next to my face as I instinctively brought my hand towards myself. For a moment I felt scared of what Silas would do to me, but anger pulled itself out of me, becoming clear in my face.

Silas’ face was one of pure and unadulterated fear and pain. He looked like a puppy whose owner had just threw him on the ground and left him to rot. Tears already streaked his face as he looked at me. A pitiful sob left his mouth as his body convulsed awkwardly, hazel eyes meeting mine. I almost wanted to put down the gun I held and comfort him. 

“W-Why? Lovely, darling, my queen-” I aimed the gun at him, trying to see Silas as who I thought he was; A murderer, a man that had killed at least three people and kidnapped at least two. An evil and cruel person who didn’t deserve the life he’d been given. 

The truth is, I couldn’t. All I could see was a man that had made too many bad mistakes. A man that, in retrospect, didn’t need to be a bad person to get what he wanted. He was a man that loved too much. 

But I couldn’t let him go without paying for what he had done to me. My family. 

He needed to pay for trying to kill Dan.

 

Somehow, I managed to pull the trigger.

 

He fell to the ground, his cheeks still wet with tears. Blood poured from the hole in his head. The gun that I had held clattered to the ground, my heart pounding in my chest. The look of terror on his face was forever etched there. 

I just stared at Silas’ dead body for what felt like a long time. It took me a moment to let everything set in.  _ ‘You’ve just killed a man. You’ve become the monster he was.’ _ Thoughts told me. My hands started shaking, moving through to my jaw, knees, even my vision started trembling. My whole world was falling apart before my eyes.

I dropped down to my knees. My body wanted me to wail out, to scream as loud as I could, but I had run dry. Every part of me wanted to stay in that spot on the ground until I starved. I couldn’t bring myself to move, to even think at all. 

I heard something moving next to me, clumsily and hurriedly. The ropes that bound me were cut away, falling to the ground. I felt warmth wrap around me, and a voice tuned into what I thought was a silenced world. 

“ It’s going to be fine. You’re okay. Everything’s going to be okay. ” Dan whispered. I fell into his touch, feeling weak. I could feel him moving, getting something. He pulled out his phone and called someone. “Yes? Hello? I need an ambulance. I’ve found a missing person, I-I think she’s hurt…” Dan said into the phone. I must’ve looked even worse than I felt. 

Dan spoke a bit more, talking about where we were, a theater building, names, other things. Eventually he hung up and looked to me. “Can you talk? Are you okay?” He asked gently. 

After a pause, I replied. “I don’t know.” We didn’t talk for what felt like a long time. “How long…?” I tried to ask, but I couldn’t find the motivation to finish my sentence. 

“Four days. I’ve missed you so, so much. Can you walk?” His voice sounded so sweet and caring. It hurt to hear him so worried about me, so sincerely scared and concerned. He kept talking under his breath, muttering "You're okay," over again. It seemed like he was more trying to convince himself.

“I think so,” I said, pushing myself up. My body didn’t agree with me the way I hoped it would, making me stumble. The edges of my vision darkened, making my head throb. Dan tried to catch me, but I pushed him away, trying to find my balance myself. I eventually pulled myself together and stood up straight. Dan still stood in front of me, looking at me. He lightly traced his fingertips over my cheek, looking at the blood that was now on his fingertips. I hadn’t even realized there was any blood on my face before then. 

Dan wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on the top of mine. “I’m sorry I couldn’t have found you sooner.” 

“Why did you come here?” I said, finally digging up the questions I wanted to ask. “You could’ve gotten yourself killed. You almost did.”

“But you saved me. You’re okay, that’s what matters. But…” He pulled away, carefully looking at me. He traced his hands over my arms, face, stomach. “God dammit, why couldn’t I have found you sooner?” He whispered, his jaw tensing up. I could tell he must have been holding back tears. 

“It can’t be that bad,” I started, but Dan wouldn’t let me finish. There was a mix of concern and anger in his voice. 

“Don’t take this personally, but you look like shit. You haven’t eaten anything in four days, and you look you haven’t slept for as many. You’re wrists are probably scarred, and there’s no doubt you need water.” He said. I looked at him softly before hugging him tightly. 

“I can’t believe I forgot how much you cared about me,” I said, half sobbing. My body didn’t dare let out any tears, afraid to lose what little water it had left in it. Dan just hugged me back, whispering small things into my ear. 

“Let’s get out there. You’ll probably be taken to the hospital, and if you are, I’ll visit you every day and I’ll bring Arin and Suzy and Barry and they’ll just as proud as me that you’ve been so strong through this.” He rambled. I nodded, pulling away and letting him open the hatch again. 

I stepped out, the sunlight feeling harsh on my skin. I blinked, trying to adjust to the light that blinded me. 

“Yes! Yeah, it’s me,” Dan said into the phone. I heard someone yelling from the other line, and quickly recognised it as Arin. “That’s exactly what (Y/N) said!” The yelling calmed down from the other line, to what I assumed was now normal talking. 

I looked at the sky, then sat down on the ground, feeling warm in the light that found it’s way through the tall buildings. 

I was a bird freed of it’s cage, but at the same time, a fox stuck in a trap. It was exactly as Silas had said.

_ “ _ _ Where will you go after this? Where will  _ he _ go? You know things will never be the same, even if you did escape. You’d have to kill me before I let you go willingly.” _

  
And I did.


	12. The Return

I had been sitting on the couch for almost three hours, checking the clock excessively. Suzy paced around, trying to keep moving and stop herself from worrying. I wondered if she knew it probably wasn’t working.

I kept staring at my phone, hoping to get a call or a text from Dan. Part of me wondered if Silas would take his phone and call us with it for some reason. I kept trying to reason with myself, saying that was stupid and why would he do that, but the thought remained. 

It was 11:30 when the phone rang. I quickly picked it up and put it on speaker. 

“Danny? Dan, is that you?” I spoke with conviction, slightly afraid. I expected to hear someone else say “No, I’ve got him right here”, but a familiar voice spoke back.

“Yes! Yeah, it’s me,” He replied, sounding surprised. I sighed, feeling the tension leave me. 

“What were you  _ thinking _ ? You could’ve died, hell, you probably almost did, didn’t you?”

“ That’s exactly what (Y/N) said!” He said with a small laugh at the end. Suzy walked up to listen. 

“You found her? She’s okay?” I asked. 

“Um, kind of. She doesn’t seem hurt too bad, but she’s been starved, and… We’re going to the hospital any second now.” He sounded nervous. 

“Can we talk to her?” Suzy asked. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. She seems okay, but I don’t know what’s going on in her head right now. I’ll call you when we get to the hospital, and you should come with Barry. I’m sure she’ll want to talk to you guys.” 

“You sure she won’t feel crowded?”

“I’m not sure, but she’s been alone with no one but a psychopathic murderer for the last four days. I know I would like the company, but I don’t know how she feels.” 

“Here, we’ll let you off the hook for now, and you should ask her who she wants to talk to. Tell her we hope she’s feeling okay, and we’ll be right there is she needs us.” Suzy said. 

“I will. Thank you guys, so much.” 

Then he hung up. I sighed and slide down in my seat. 

“Oh my God.” I said, under my breath. “I can’t believe he actually did it.” I ran my hands through my hair, thinking.  _ ‘He’s actually alive. And so is (Y/N).’ _

 

Two hours later, we got another call. I picked it up, feeling much less tense than I had last time. “Dan?” 

“Yep. (Y/N) said she wanted to see you two, so you should head up here. Plus, I want to see you too.” He said, laughing a bit at the end. 

“We’re on our way.” I said, hanging up quickly. 

We drove there as fast as we could, and when we finally got to the hospital and the room that a nurse directed us to, we saw Dan waiting outside the room. Calmly, he flipped through a book, scanning over the words, but not really seeming to read them. He looked up and noticed us, dropping the book on the seat and getting up with his usual goofy smile. He ran over and hugged me tightly, something that I found surprisingly comforting. 

“I’m so glad to see you again.” He sighed. He pulled away and gave Suzy the same bone-crushing hug. “God, a lot of shit has happened.” 

“Should we hear it from you first?” Suzy asked. 

“I still don’t know how (Y/N) feels about talking about it, and there’s a police guy in there now, trying to get her to talk about it. He shoved me out of the room, and she seemed really uncomfortable before I left.” He explained. Me and Suzy took the seats next to him, ready to listen in. 

“Okay, what happened?” 

He sighed before starting his part of the story, telling us about how yesterday he found (Y/N)’s brother, and had to avoid getting caught by Silas. After that, he seemed to have a hard time talking about what happened. 

“I-I got so scared when I saw her there. He shoved a rag in her mouth and she had a knife to her neck.” He ghosted his fingers over his throat, as if he was feeling it for himself. “Honestly, she looked like she was in an even worse mental state than the first day. On the bridge. She still does.” 

I clenched my hands into a fist, feeling anger seeping in. This guy had tried to kill my best friend, and kidnapped another one of my friends. “What happened to him? I’ll fucking break his dick if I ever see him, snap his nose in half-

“She beat you to it.” He said, not looking at me. His eyes were kept forward, looking at the wall. I turned to him. 

“What do you mean?” 

“(Y/N). She got the gun, and- She missed first. I think that was the worst part. He looked back at her, and she- I don’t know how she did it. I couldn’t. That’s why I think she’s probably feeling really bad right now.” Dan put his head in his hands. “I’m worried, Arin. I’ve been scared she might try to commit again before, but now…” He trailed off. “I just wish I knew how she felt! I don’t want to ask her, I’m afraid talking about it might make it worse. I only know how  _ I _ would feel in this situation, but that’s not any better than what I think I’ll hear. It might even be worse.”

I sat back down, feeling my rage subside. “I… I don’t know what to do either. How would you feel in that situation?” 

Dan didn’t talk for a moment. He pulled his legs into his body, curling into a ball. Eventually, he found it in him to talk again. 

 

“Honestly, I think I would want to kill myself, too.” 


	13. The Water

“Okay, I’m going to need your full report.” The detective said again. 

“I gave you it.” I repeated sourly. 

“Listen,” He said. Something about his voice made me feel even angrier than I was. “I need more than ‘A man named Silas kidnapped me and tried to kill my boyfriend.’ I know it’s hard to talk about, but this is my job.” 

“Yeah? Well, my job was to work 12 to six at a cafe every week day, but look where that’s gotten me.” I said, turning to the detective again. He had a look of sympathy on his face, but I could tell it was fake. He just wanted me to talk. I sighed, suddenly feeling calmer. “Okay, now I guess it’s your turn to ‘listen’, Mulder - or is it Scully? Anyways, I was walking home from work at around 6:15 last Wednesday. Suddenly, A man grabbed me from the sidewalk and stuck a needle in me, and I passed out. When I woke up, I was in an underground bunker with him and my brother, who was tied up in a chair across from me. My brother somehow got out of the ropes, and- He tried to-” It was getting harder and harder to talk about, almost like it was at the hotel so long ago. 

“Miss (L/N)? Are you okay?” 

“Yes, shut up, I’m fine.” I snapped. “He tried to knock him out.” 

“Or kill him?” He asked.

“I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter, because he failed and he’s dead now.” I spoke with my eyes closed, trying to block out everything around me. 

“Could you go more into depth on that?” 

“Yeah, sure. Silas stabbed him in the leg and then dragged him out of the bunker so he could gut him like a pig. I was stuck down there and forced to play chess with him until Dan came along.” I stopped, not wanting to keep going.

“And?”

“He had a gun, but Silas was holding me hostage. Dan dropped the gun and kicked it over, but Silas didn’t pick it up. Then he- He wanted to kill him, but I- I-” I choked up, remembering the terrified look on Silas’ face. 

“Yes?” 

“Please stop,” I whispered. I kept my eyes shut as tightly as I could, not wanting to let any tears out. “Please.” 

“(Y/N). What did you do?”

“I shot him.” My eyes flung open. I felt furious, depressed, confused, and so many other things I couldn’t even begin to describe. “Okay? Are you happy now? Did you finally get the information that you needed, Mr. Stanhope? Are you  _ fucking _ pleased with yourself?” I glared at him, my stare boring a hole into him. He looked a little surprised for a moment. The door creaked open, but I didn’t bother looking. 

“Okay, sir, I think you’ve done enough here.” Dan said, suddenly in the room. He had a strained anger on his face, trying to keep calm. “Could you please leave?” Another man appeared behind him, slightly taller. His eyes were worried, and his straight coffee colored hair stuck out in the crowd. 

“ _ Yes _ , Virgil will be leaving you be now. I’m sorry, he’s not had the best day.” He walked out, dragging the the other man out of the room, whispering in that I’m-not-trying-to-make-a-scene- but-it-doesn’t-matter-because-it’s-too-late voice. “Dean, what are you doing? You’re going to...” His voice faded away. I just stared down at the blankets that covered my legs. My whole body still ached. 

“Are you okay?” Dan asked. He had his glasses on, something that I always found made him cuter. I didn’t have the heart to say anything, though. I just looked at him for a moment, then turned away. Every time I looked at him, he just looked worried and nervous. It was my fault. “Arin and Suzy are here.” I looked up, feeling surprised and happy. 

“Arin? Suze?” I asked, looking for them. Suzy came into the room as soon as she heard her name, looking at me and immediately looking heartbroken. She ran up to the side of the bed. 

“Oh my god, can I hug you? Will that hurt?” I practically pounced at her, letting her tightly embrace me. 

“You always gave the best hugs,” I said, feeling the words ring true as she held me to her. When she pulled away, I looked over to Arin. “You’ve got no excuse, mister!” He laughed and walked over, hugging me. “You give good hugs, too.” 

Dan scoffed. “What about me?” 

“No,” I stated looking over to him. He laughed. “You give good kisses.” He let out a little ‘Aww,’ and smiled widely and genuinely at me. 

“Dan told us what he knew about what happened,” Arin said, looking gentle. “I’m so sorry.” 

“It doesn’t matter. It’s over, and I’m back. That’s what’s important.” Suzy sat on the side of the bed and hugged me again. 

“I don’t know how you do it, (Y/N). You always manage to make it through this stuff, and you just… I’ve missed you so much…” She said. I felt like crying again when I saw how much she cared. 

“Come on, don’t cry. You’ll ruin your make-up.” I said, holding her. “But I missed you too.” A sniffle a little ways away caught my attention, making me look at Arin. “You’ll ruin your make-up too, you big baby,” I said, halfway between a laugh and a sob. 

“I’m not crying,” He laughed, rubbing his eyes. “Promise. You two scared us. At least you’re back in one piece.” 

_ ‘Most of us.’ _ Thoughts chimed in, forcing pictures of my brother and Silas in my head. I hated that I was torn up with his death. He deserved it, didn’t he?

He was still a person. He made some bad decisions, that doesn’t mean he deserved to die. 

“Do you need anything?” Dan asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. 

“I could definitely use some water.” I said, once again feeling the dryness of my mouth and throat. He started standing up, but Arin spoke first. 

“I’ll get it for you.” He said, walking out of the room. Suzy pulled away and kissed me on the forehead like a mother sending her child to their first sleepover. 

“I’ll go with him. You deserve a moment to be alone together.” She said. I scoffed. 

“Thanks,  _ mom _ . By the way, I’m older than you.” 

“Not to me. We’ll be right back!” She smiled, and left the room. I turned to Dan who was watching them leave with a thoughtful stare. 

“Hey, Danny?” I started. He turned to me. “Sit with me, please?” He moved next to me quickly, and it was then that I realized he’d been wanting to be next to me the whole time, just waiting for me to say so. He wrapped his arms around me tightly, which I did in return. Even when he loosened his grip, I continued leaning into him, feeling how cool his skin was. 

“Are you okay?” He asked again, making me sigh. 

“You keep asking me that, but you haven’t told me if you’re okay.” I said quietly to him. “You say I’ve been through a lot, but so have you. He was ready to kill you. You know that. Are  _ you _ okay?” I spoke with my eyes closed, focusing on everything about him. His movement, his clothes, even his smell. Part of me wondered if I was dreaming, if the whole rescue had been an illusion and I was still strapped to that chair, my body begging for water. 

“Yes.” He said simply. 

“Physically  _ and  _ up here?” I tapped my fingers on his head. He sighed, seeming to give in. 

“My stomach’s bruised to shit. I’m really scared that someone else is going to try to do  _ that _ to you or me or Suzy- especially scared of that. I don’t want to watch Arin go through that. But…” He trailed off. I looked up to him, noticing he was just looking tiredly at the wall. 

“Yeah?” I asked carefully. 

“I… I forgot what I was going to say. Yeah, remember how I said my stomach’s bruised?” He asked, still looking blankly at the wall. I hummed curiously. “It’s acting up.” I pulled away to look at him. His skin was oddly pale as he propped himself up against the wall. He pulled up his shirt, both of us surprised at the dark shade of purple most of the skin was. I wanted to feel it, see if it was warm, but I didn’t want to hurt Dan. 

“That’s not good. Just stay right there, I-I’ll be right back.” I stressed, jumping out of the bed. Dan tried to tell me not to go, but I ignored him, peering out of the hallways. 

I saw Arin and Suzy walking up with water cups in their hands. “We need a doctor!” I yelled, not even to them specifically. Arin ran up to me to ask what was happening, and Suzy turned around to find someone to help us. 

“What? What’s happening? Are you okay?” He fretted. 

“No, it’s Dan, something’s happening.” My voice was on the verge of yelling, panic in my voice. I ran back into the room to look at Dan, where he laid looking worse and worse by the second. His eyes were barely open, and he struggled to focus his eyes on anything. I grabbed his face, realizing that the coolness of his skin was eerily unnatural. “Dan? Come on, look at me, you’re going to be okay, just look at me.” 

He didn’t say anything, just flickered his eyes over me and let them close. 

“No, don’t you dare pass out, you dumbass, don’t do this to me!” I yelled. I climbed on the bed, holding him close to me while I rambled “You worked so hard to get me back, you can’t leave me! I need you! _Please_ …” I sobbed while doctors flooded into the room, taking him away from me and leaving me weeping on the bed. 

I felt the bed dip as someone else came on, pulling me into them. I heard someone else’s sobs under my own, recognising them as Arin’s. He sniffled, trying to compose himself. 

“Hey, (Y/N), t-talk to me.” He said though more stifled sobs.

“About what?” 

“Anything, just talk.” I sniffled, trying to make my talking sound clearer. 

“I-I’m really scared.” I choked out. My thoughts wondered to why Arin wanted me to do this, but I continued. “I’ve lost everything. My brother, my parents a long time ago, and probably even my  _ mind _ at this point, I can’t lose Danny too.” 

“Not everything, then.” Arin stated, his voice confident but still wobbly from crying. “Barry can be your brother, and me and Suzy will be your new parents, and we’ll be even better than your other ones were. Ross and Holly will be your weird cousins, and when Dan gets out of this, alive and well, he’ll be your mind for you.” 

I felt my bawling turn into whining, then sniffling. Arin spoke again. 

“We’re all here for you. I promise.” 

My mind drifted off, letting my shaking breaths steady as I fell asleep, hoping that when I woke up, I would see Dan still sitting on the bed with me and laughing about how I passed out while he was talking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry.


	14. The Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter. Need to build up anticipation.

It was happening again. 

My mouth was dried out from the cloth that had been shoved in it, and my wrists were raw and in pain. I could feel Silas behind me, but I couldn’t see him. I didn’t bother turning to look, either. 

And it all played back out again.

Dan walking down the stairs in the dark. 

The light switching on to reveal his face lit up and pale with horror. 

Dropping the gun while Silas laughed. 

Silas violently and wrathfully kicking Dan’s stomach.

It was even worse this time, though. My dreams made the memory distorted, trying to torment me even more with it. This time, with the kick, I heard a sickening  _ snap _ coming from Dan. He cried out in pain, and for a moment I thought. 

_ ‘What would happen if I never picked up the gun in the first place?’ _ I shuddered, knowing Dan would be dead on the spot if I hadn’t done something. I already held the gun anyways.

And this time, I didn’t miss. 

He fell flat down, his head slumping against the wall. Dan limply moved away, startled by the now dead body almost having fallen on top of him. I kicked it away from him, Letting him fall to his back instead. 

It looked like a small child had grabbed sharpie and drawn in over someone’s face in a picture. The lines blocked my view, which I silently thanked my unconscious brain for. Another ‘What If’ popped into my head. 

What do they say about dying in your dreams?

I still held the gun. I didn’t move my gaze away from his face, scratched away with the marker of memory. Though I’ve felt myself doing things I didn’t think I was doing, I felt every move this time. It hurt to stretch my mouth wide enough to fit the barrel of the gun in my mouth. 

A loud shot sounded out as my jaw suddenly ached. Everything was black as I felt my body sinking into air as thick as water.

 

I woke up still feeling dried tears on my face. I jumped up and out of my sheets, every part of me on edge. I looked around, seeing a nurse sitting in a chair next to me, her face an expression of shock. 

“Are you okay?” She kindly asked. 

“Where’d they take him? Is he okay?” I immediately asked. 

“Mr. Avidan is in the operating room right now, and the young man that was with you earlier is in the waiting room with his wife.” She explained with solace. 

“But is he  _ okay _ ?” I burst out, scared out of my mind. 

“We’re waiting for the surgeon to come back and give us the news, but it looks like he’ll be in good condition by the morning. He’s stable.” My heart’s pounding slowed, giving me a chance to breath easy. More questions rose to mind, but they didn’t burn nearly as fiercely as they had before.

“What about Arin? The guy that was with me, why is he in the waiting room?” 

“I believe he said he wanted to be easy to reach if you needed him, and he wanted to wait for Mr. Avidan to come out of surgery.”

“And why does he need surgery?”

“It was internal bleeding. Do you know if he took any hard, blunt damage to his stomach recently?” I sighed and looked down, pulling my knees into myself. 

“Yeah. It… The person that kidnapped me, when Dan tried to rescue me…” I trailed off, not wanting to keep talking about it. The nurse understood. 

“I see. Well, he’ll be coming out of surgery any minute now, but he’ll probably rest for another two to four hours. For now, I recommend that you get more sleep. No offense, but you look like you haven’t slept in weeks. Now that you know all of your loved ones are in good hands, I hope you can sleep soundly.” 

I shook my head. “No, I want to see him. Can’t I be in his room or something afterwards?” 

“I don’t think the doctors would like that. If you won’t sleep, at least try eating and drinking something. I’ll come back with something for you.” She said, walking towards the door. 

“Wait!” I said suddenly. She stopped.

“Yes?”

“Why were you here? Like, why did you-” She cut me off, knowing I didn’t know how to explain it. 

“Your friend- Arin, I think you called him, -said he was worried about how you were coping. You’ve got a lot of people that care about you, I can tell. Now, I’ll be back with some granola, water, and news.” 

 

When she came back, it was mostly the news I wanted, but she told me I had to eat. I tried to force some of the granola down, but I only got a few bites down before feeling nauseous. She said the fact I was able to eat at all was good. I got the water down quickly, feeling glad that my tongue wasn’t swollen and dry as the Gobi desert anymore. 

“So what’s happening with Dan?” I asked afterwards. 

“He’s out of surgery, and when he wakes up, he’ll probably be a bit sore and groggy. He’s going to be fine, though.” I sighed again, laying down. “Do you need anything else?”

“No. Just some time alone, please.” I covered my face with my hands, trying to block out the lights of the hospital room. The nurse walked out of the room, the door clicking shut behind her. I just laid there without listening to any noises going on outside. Not the passing of footsteps. Not the rolling of carts that probably carried food and water and medication. Not the talking of doctors as they told patients to rest a lot, they can’t go to work, they’d be sore… 

None of it mattered. 

_ ‘This is all my fault.’ _ I thought. My eyes felt tired. The words repeated in my head, taunting  and torturing me.  _ ‘This is all my fault. This is all my fault. This is all my fault…’  _

My consciousness faded out. 

 

The same dream played again. I did the same thing. 

But in the few seconds between when I fit the gun into my mouth and it shot, I heard a heartbreakingly realistic cry.

 

“ **_No!_ ** ”

 

God knows how long it had been when I woke up. The words were singed into my brain, making it hurt to even think. I still did, though, my mind echoing the words from… How long ago  _ was _ it? I looked at the ticking clock on the wall. 

_ Two hours. _ That was more sleep than I thought I’d be able to get in the next two years. 

And it meant one more thing, as the nurse came into my room with a smile on her face. 

 

“Mr. Avidan would like to see you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter. 
> 
> Just one more, and then it's over.
> 
> It's been quite the adventure. 
> 
> I'll see you on Wednesday.


	15. The End

My body felt heavy as we walked to the room. I was imagining all the things I thought Dan would say to me. 

_ “You’re a danger to everyone you touch. You didn’t deserve to be saved. You should’ve just killed yourself when you had the chance.” _ No. That wasn’t him I thought would say it to me. I was doing it to myself, and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t think of anything better to tell myself. My mind wouldn’t let me think for even a second that Dan could forgive me.

When I walked into the room, I expected to see a pair of hateful brown eyes, burning with the same rage and betrayal that I’d seen in Silas’ last moments. 

But there were tears in his eyes. They barely hung over his gaze like thunderstorms ready to scream with bottled up rain. He looked at me, infatuation in everything he did for that moment. I walked up to him, and carefully asked,

“Can I hug you?”

 

He quickly jumped out of the bed and wrapped his arms around me, and immediately he started talking in a quiet voice, saying how he didn’t remember what happened but he just woke up after an absolutely  _ terrifying _ dream and he needed to see me immediately and he was so glad I was here. 

I kissed him gently when he would pause, taking every chance I could to have him closer to me. He was so much warmer than when he’d gone. 

“So what  _ did _ happen? My mind’s a little fuzzy.” He said. His voice was so quiet and gentle, like he could have me even more tangled with him if he spoke softly. 

“You started getting really spacey, really fast. You were pale and cold, and then… You passed out, and the doctors took you away and I was so, so scared that…” This would’ve been the point where I’d started crying, but instead, I just felt small. Like I had been folded up and put into a box. Dan just put his mouth gently atop my head, talking calmly. 

“I’m back now, though. I’m back and everything’s going to be absolutely fine.” Why couldn’t I believe him? “What else?” 

“Arin was scared, too. He helped me through it, and eventually I got some sleep.” I said. I could feel Dan smile. 

“We’ve got some damn good friends, don’t we?” I smiled, too. 

 

They said Dan could leave soon after checking over him again, and soon enough, I was free to go too. We went home, and Barry, Brian, Ross, Holly, and a few more people waited for us. Barry practically leaped on me when he saw me come through the door, crushing me with a hug. Ross and Holly joined us, too. Ross would forever deny the fact that he started crying a bit, while Holly just rolled her eyes at him and joined the hug. 

We all talked. We talked about me being on Game Grumps sometime in the future, and we talked about going on a tour when NSP released their new albums. We talked about everything that would make us happy in the days, weeks, and months to come. We didn’t talk about Silas or my brother or anything. It was over, now.

Something stuck around about them, though. The two still occupied my thoughts every second they could, and they still haunted me in my dreams. 

_ “You let me die,”  _ He would whisper to me in my dreams.  _ “You watched it happen and after it did you nearly let him do it again. You should’ve killed yourself when you had the chance.”  _

It was those ones that scared me the most. The dreams where I would be stuck in a dark room with them at my heels, whispering into my mind my every thought embodied. 

But every time, Dan would wake me up and hold me, whispering happy thoughts as I tried to sleep again. Everytime, he would ask me, “What do you need?” and he would do everything in his power to give it to me. I never asked for much, at most a glass of water, which he started keeping next to the bed for me every night. 

The healing process was a long one. Every time I thought it was getting better, it got even worse than it was before. One step forwards, ten steps back. 

I could feel myself fading. 

 

With that person gone, though, I could start to see through new eyes.

 

It was more dark than it usually was that night.  _ ‘New Moon,’ _ I thought. 

I just hadn’t slept. It was four in the morning, and I hadn’t slept at all. I desperately wanted to close my eyes, dream of something I hadn’t dreamt of before. I hopelessly just wanted to be rid of this feeling that, somehow, I’d failed. I felt like I had broken something that wasn’t supposed to be touched, and in turn, I’d placed a curse on my name that would never let go. Not until-

“Babe? Are you still awake?” I heard Dan mumble out from behind me. I turned to him. 

“Yeah.” I said, laying a lazy kiss on his jaw. 

“Something wrong?” He sounded so sweet, I felt like I couldn’t hide this from him anymore. I couldn’t keep telling him I was just  _ fine _ , and that I would be better in the morning. I couldn’t go on like this much longer. My silence spoke for itself. “Do you need to talk?” He knew that some time we would need to talk like this. He knew just as well as me that I couldn’t keep going like this. 

“I think so.” 

We both sat up. For a minute, he just looked at me. He had known that I’d been breaking down, slowly but surely. I desperately wanted to hide it, but it was just getting more and more difficult. “Where do I start?” I asked. Dan thought for a moment. 

“What are you thinking? About everything. About anything.” He said. 

“I… I feel bad. I feel really, really guilty about everything that happened. To my brother. My mom. Even Silas.” I expected him to be surprised when I said this. Who would feel guilty about killing a person as mentally fucked up as Silas? 

“I understand.” He looked so calmly sad, it almost hurt to look at him. 

“Really? You don’t think that’s stupid for me to feel?” 

“No. Not at all. Can I just… Be a little too honest? Just for a second?” He asked so gently, he sounded almost scared. I felt a hopeless calm in my stomach as I replied. 

“No secrets. No sugar.” 

“Babe, you killed a man. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling right now. I hate to think of what it would be like to have to live with that. I mean- I can’t even bring myself to eat bacon just because I think pigs are so cute. You’ve been through hell and back more times than I can count. I don’t blame you for feeling confused or guilty or bad or even-” He started choking up. It took me a minute to realize what he meant by that, but when I did, I felt my heart jump at the thought.

“Dan… Dan, no no no, baby. I… I don’t think I could ever try to bring myself to that anymore.” I crawled over next to him, holding his face and running my hands through his hair. He looked at me with surprise. “Everything is better than I could have imagined it ever being again. Since the bridge. Since Silas. Everything is getting better, and there were just… Parts of my life where that wasn’t happening.”

For a moment, I wondered if I was even speaking truthfully. As I continued on, though, I realized that everything had happened just the way it was meant to. It must have, if we were both together again, time after time. 

“When I was in San Francisco, there was nobody there for me. I was alone once my brother had gone, and I have no living family left that I know of. I didn’t even have friends, and it wasn’t like I really had anywhere to go if I left. There was nothing left for me there, but then… Then you showed up. You showed up and told me about everything beautiful in life, and how there’s always going to be a better way. 

“And when Silas happened, you came back. Like the beautiful, amazing idiot you are, you came back and almost got yourself killed for me. Arin and Suzy have been there since the beginning, too. They were there for me when I came back from that hopeless place. They were there for me just like you. Barry’s been the little brother there to cheer me up whenever I need it, and Ross and Holly… Well, they’re Ross and Holly. The weird cousins, I guess. Along with Brian.

“My point is, it’s taken me awhile to realize that things are okay. I’m still going to feel guilty about Silas. I’m still going to regret that I couldn’t do anything for my brother. It doesn’t mean nothing is okay, because I have all of you to slap some sense into me whenever I need it.” I finished. I looked closely at Dan who had his normal, goofy smile on his face and tears in his eyes. 

He didn’t say anything, just leaned into me and hugged me tightly, burying his face into the crook of my neck. He spoke quietly, and I could feel his voice more than anything. “I know I’ve said it before, but I’m just so scared that I’m going to lose you. I don’t want you to ever not be here. I don’t know what I’ll do if that ever happens again.” I sighed into him, finally feeling breath come to me easier than it had in weeks. 

“It won’t. Never again.”

 

_ “Never Again” _ is a big promise to make. I knew that. I knew that making a promise as big as that would be hard to keep, but that didn’t matter to me. Somehow, I knew everything would be okay in the end. Even through all the bad things we had gone through, and the ones that had yet to come, things had to be okay in the end. 

And they had to be okay because that’s how the world works. They had to be okay because the world has to keep moving forward. It’s how it was built. If the world stopped moving, so might the moon, and the tides. We have to keep moving forward, just like the rest of nature. 

Decisions like making and keeping that promise are hard to make. You have to be willing to risk the consequences like they were whiplash on your skin. You may not know it when it comes around, or maybe you will, but you’ll have to decide when to give up. You’ll have to decide every time you want to push further than you think you can. You’ll have to use every ounce of energy you have, but in the end, it’ll all be worth it. 

Maybe you’ll have held her as close to you as you could, but she still got away. Or maybe you’ll push yourself so hard that it hurts, but you’ll get her back. Maybe you’ll use all of your energy on giving up, or maybe you’ll give up everything to have it all. In the end, we’re all human. The story may have stopped being written, but the pages go on. We promise that.

I don’t know when I first thought of this, but I do remember the moment I knew it was true. The moment I felt Dan’s lips on me, his fingers folded into mine as the words “You may kiss the bride” echoed in my head, leaving the rest of my mind silent for the first time I could remember. I realized that through everything I had been through, I made it. I realized that every tear I had shed had taught me something.

 

I realized that one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make is deciding whether to walk away, or try harder. 


	16. Dedications

Holy fucking balls. I finished this story. Like, Jesus fucking Christ. You’re all so amazing. I just needed to write down a ton of the people that I wanted to thank formally, so… Wow. Here it is.

First, I’d like to thank all of the readers who stuck with me as the story was being written. The story began with me trying to cope with things the best way I knew how; Writing. As my mental state got worse, it became harder to consistently write, so I’d like to thank everyone who stayed patient and supported me through getting this written. (I am a lot better now, though, so no worries!)

I’d like to give an extra special thank you to all the commenters, especially a certain two: [Thelynnlynn](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Thelynnlynn/pseuds/Thelynnlynn) and [aleksthepanman](http://archiveofourown.org/users/aleksthepanman/pseuds/aleksthepanman). You two were so communicative, and I truly can’t express how inspiring it was to be with you as you went through this story. Seeing everyone’s comments come in every day is thrilling, and makes me feel truly blessed to have people that like my story enough to say something.

Another mention I’d like to make is three very inspiring writers here on Ao3. First, [PrincessDystopia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessDystopia/pseuds/PrincessDystopia), who was the very first person to comment and a truly inspiring writer with her stories _[Alive](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7506349/chapters/17063203)_  and _[Bed Frames And Blank Spaces](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7972300/chapters/18235495)_.

Another writer I found to have read _All At Once_ was [Desidearest](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Desidearest/pseuds/Desidearest). In her story _[Before I Run Dry](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7815469/chapters/17836492)_ , I found my heart constantly pounding with excitement, and the emotion I found in her story really helped me find the words I needed. I’d also like to thank her for letting me help her with her writing, as it was both an honor and a privilege to be of help to someone so inspirational.

Last of the Ao3 dwellers I’d like to mention is someone who, according to my knowledge, never read _All At Once_ . [SirChinnigan](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SirChinnigan/pseuds/SirChinnigan) is an amazing writer with a passion that moved me, and with each one of their stories, chapters, and words, I felt something. They have a way with motivating me that I haven't gotten in a long, _long_ time.

And last but most assuredly not least, I’d like to thank my real-life friend Mia (also known as [TittySprinkles](http://archiveofourown.org/users/TittySprinkles/pseuds/TittySprinkles) here on Ao3). She was the one that pulled me out of the dark pit that first created this story, and she was the one that told me I had to finish it. She’d seen the other projects I’d abandoned, and told me, “Kathrine Carroller, if you do not finish this story, you’ll never finish any of them.” She knew that idea scared me, but she also knew that it was exactly the push I’d needed.

 

She taught me that one of the hardest decisions we'll ever make will be deciding whether to walk away, or try harder.

 

Thank you all once again for your support. I can’t put into words how glad I am to finally have put something out into the world, for better or for worse. I can’t wait until my next story is posted, as I plan for it to be even better than the last.

 

**_See you soon (I hope),_ **

**_Kathrine Carroller_ **


	17. The Terminus (Epilogue (Prologue?))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUESS WHAT EVERYTHING YOU KNEW WAS A LIE AND HERE'S A NEW CHAPTER

My name is Silas Harlov. 

And I am a horrible person. 

 

I had never been a very passionate person. For upwards of twenty years, I had never truly cared about anything or anyone enough to do much about it. I never did more than I was obligated to. More than was needed. I got good grades in all of my classes, because what else could I do? Music didn’t appeal, and the television was just videos of the fallacy of happiness. People smiling and laughing at horribly scripted jokes. 

So I ended up burying myself in my studies, hoping to find anything. My searches were fruitless, so much so that when I graduated high school in the class of 1999, everything stopped. I had nothing.

In the hopes of finding anything to something to hide behind so I could avoid my emptiness, I went to college. With a GPA nothing short of flawless, I could go anywhere, and with parents with the resolve to do or give anything for their child, I had the money to do it. 

Out of all the colleges I could have chosen to go to, medical school was my choice. I think I chose it because it was complex, and would keep me busy for longer. I once again flooded my life with academics, hoping to shut out my emotionlessness for as long as I could. 

With all that time in college, I had talked to people enough to call them friends. I would never go out of my way to go to the parties and things they would invite me to, but if it fit in my schedule, I didn’t see the point in not going. There was even one girl specifically, who did everything she could to make me a more sociable person. 

She was a fairly extravagant girl, constantly changing her hair color and cut, deciding one day to look like a grunge-style 80’s teenager and the next she’d be a normal girl wearing oversized hoodies and jeans that were tightly fitting, but never hugging her skin too much. 

She decided one day, out of the blue, that she would talk to me. She just walked up and smiled, speaking with a voice laced with silver. “Hi! You’re Silas, right?” At that point, it was light pink hair that brushed her shoulders with a blue streak to frame her face, something I found out would be a signature of her’s. 

So we talked like normal people, discussing classes and how she noticed I never do anything but study. Her words seemed so carefully plotted out, so perfectly set that I wasn’t surprised when she told me was going to be a psychiatrist. Not like the surprise would have actually been felt. 

So when I wasn’t busy studying or in a class, I ended up with her. Watching movies that I didn’t enjoy, but I watched them to look like I was a normal person. Listening to music that sounded like static when it reached my ears, but singing along because that’s what I was supposed to do.

I wondered a lot if our “friendship” was out of necessity. She told me that she never had many friends before she met me, but once she made my acquaintance, she found her spark. She wanted me to find my spark, too. 

“K-Kat,” I said, attempting to put on a complaining tone, but probably failed. I forgot to mention the stupid stutter that I also managed to form in middle school. I silently loved it, though, because it gave me the front of nervousness to hide behind when I needed it.

“Silas, shut your mouth. You  _ are _ coming to this party with me.” She said. At had been three years since we first met, and she’d been pushing boundaries further and further every second she could. She wanted me to find something other than school to be excited about, and now she wanted to try parties and socializing on a higher level.

I thought parties were stupid. I had better things to be doing during Christmas Eve. Plus, why would people ever want to go to loud and horrible smelling places with flashing lights and drunk people? Who in their right mind would willingly put themselves in that situation?

“I don’t want to…” I whined. Kathrine jabbed me in the side with her elbow, scoffing.

“Too bad. You gotta.”

“B-But I have to-”

“Study? Yeah, I bet you do, you fuckin’ nerd. Now go home and get your most casual outfit, meet me here at nine. ‘Kay?” She asked like I had a choice. So I sighed and agreed.

 

Paint the picture. It was December 24th, 2007, when I saw her first. A loud party I had not wanted to go to. Lights too dim, voices too loud, alcohol too foul-smelling, and then me.

Too numb. 

Only a few people talked to me, red solo cups filled with beer in hand as they asked who I was, who I came with, why I was here. 

“Silas.”

“Kathrine.”

“I don’t know.”

Well, the last question was usually answered with “Kathrine dragged me here”, but they were the same thing in my language. People usually laughed, changing the subject to her because I wasn’t very interesting. That’s fine, I’ll admit it.

But eventually, they left, leaving me to my corner. Letting me just listen to other people’s laughter, other people’s joy. Kathrine tried to come over, get me to drink or dance, but I refused. I liked my corner more than the people out there.

A soft laugh reached my ears, blocking out all other sounds. I immediately looked up, trying to find it. It was not Kathrine's laugh, and I knew no one else at the party. How could someone’s laugh be so lovely, be so perfect? How could the mere sound of it make the whole world stop in its place?

I searched, but soon, time caught up to me, making me lose the echo of the flawlessness in my ear. I listened again, trying to find the voice. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry, but I really have to go. My brother’s gonna kill me if I’m not home soon.” She said. Kathrine was trying to talk to me, but her words couldn’t reach me. I immediately ran to the girl - no, woman - speaking and just stared for a moment. When she said her final goodbyes and left, I turned to Kathrine, who had followed me. 

“Who - Who was that?”

She explained a little bit, saying things like “She’s really close with her brother” and “She’s been through a lot, I hear”. 

But her name meant everything to me. The simple string of sounds was so beautiful, it felt almost natural not to say. If I said it, the precious gift of her presence would be gone. I couldn’t lose her.

Never. 

“Um, Silas? Are you okay?” Kathrine asked, fiddling with the blue streak in her hair. 

“I found my spark.”

 

“Hey, I-I have a question,” I asked two weeks later. I had followed the girl home, and though I hadn’t planned on it going any further than that, I couldn’t help myself from leaning into the front door to hear the whispers of the siblings talking.

“What’s up?” Kathrine asked, her voice plated with gold, as always. 

“Can I tell you anything?” My voice had found a smooth ground, something to settle on for a moment. I looked over to Kathrine to see her reaction, and it was one of confusion and a little surprise. 

“Yeah, of course. What’s up?”

“I learned about her. My spark.” 

So I talked. I talked about how I first leaned into the door, listening to her talk about the party. Listening to her talk about her mother two days later. Listening to her cry about their mother coming back, wanting something. The pure hatred that ran through my veins. 

And Kathrine nodded. She understood, she said. She knew what I meant as I spoke, and didn’t tell me how fucked up I was for doing this. She listened, and she smiled. She clenched her fists with the same rage I had felt and looked up at me, and somehow, her eyes embodied the same emptiness that I had felt all these years. 

“I can swear to you on my life that I felt the same.”

Both of us admitted to a lot, smiling and talking about our sins as if they were normal. As if we were. Kathrine talked about how, since our senior year of high-school, she had been watching me. The same way I did with Her. My spark. She admitted to the days where, when she thought she might never feel anything, she thought of me and suddenly everything felt better. She admitted she didn’t expect me to reciprocate. She just wanted to be there for me one way or another. She didn’t need a ‘relationship’. She just needed the weak threads of our ‘friendship’ to remain, because she couldn’t live without it. 

I understood painfully well. I couldn’t help myself from following  _ Her.  _ Even her name became something I didn’t want to say for the fear of it leaving me forever. I needed her, and I knew I would do anything to get her by my side.

Anything.

 

As the weeks went on, I fell out of my routine of “Class, study, sleep, eat.” and into a routine of “Follow, learn, repeat.” After so many weeks, I found out that She was a deeply scarred person. Been through so much at such a young age, which is why she never really talked to people separate from her brother. Why she felt so uncomfortable at the party and insisted she had to leave. 

As I dug deeper, I found out more and more about her mother. About how horrible she had been to her child. Her  _ perfect, lovely, beautiful _ child. 

After so long, I eventually stopped going to classes altogether. I didn’t need them anymore, all I needed was Her. I had finally found something to fix me. How could I let that go?

 

Do you blame me? Was I wrong to want her that bad? Was I wrong to want so desperately just to feel anything? I never wanted to hurt anyone. Not at first, at least. But when I found out that the woman I so adored had been permanently damaged by someone as close to her as her mother, something must have snapped. 

I would gladly have given my lie of a life if it would have made her happy. Do you feel like that about someone? Have you ever felt so desperate to make someone happy that you would have jumped off a bridge with a smile on your face if that’s what they wanted?

I never wanted it to go that far. I never thought I would be so thrilled to hold someone down with a knife to their neck. I never wanted to know what it’s like for someone to look into your eyes with theirs so full of pure hatred, fear,

emptiness.

Just like me. 

Blood stained the black leather gloves I had worn. I looked at it, the smell of metal filling the air. I had done it. I had just killed a woman out of cold blood, and for some sick, twisted, sadistic reason, I smiled. I looked at her frozen expression, one that had once been filled with knowledge that the last sight she’d see would be a pair of hateful eyes. 

In those last moments, did she wonder if her daughter would ever be happy again? Did she think about her deceased husband, and whether or not he would forgive her when she found him again? Did she know she had made mistakes, and did she beg to be forgiven for them? Is that what she was muttering as she ran? Or did she know she had made one too many?

Next time, I’d give time for questions.

Next time for sure.

 

So the years went on, me watching dutifully over my angel. Her grief affected her more than I thought it would, but once she was past it, that was it. Her brother clung to her closely, something that I couldn’t help but appreciate. I couldn’t possibly bring myself to approach her. But her brother was there, and if I couldn’t be there to help her, someone had to be. 

But as time passed, I realized that she started hiding. Her brother was the only person she ever really talked to, other than the landlord and cashier at the grocery store. How could I ever win her over if she was never going to let go of what she had? 

I had to get her to somehow come out of that shell. I had to give her a reason to find someone else. I had to find a way to take him out of her life. 

But I knew I would need help. 

 

I had been telling Kathrine about all of my plans. I whispered in her ear how I had finally killed that woman that had tortured my love so much, and she smiled and said: “I’m so proud of you”. It was probably the most I had felt when I wasn’t with Her. Kathrine’s praise meant everything because I knew she was the only one who would understand. 

So when I went to her and asked for her help, she cried. I hadn’t known until that point, but apparently, she had been idolizing me. She was so, so proud that I would do all these things because though she had the motive to do them, she never had the gut. But she said that she would do anything if I was there, by her side. Especially if it would make me happy.

After the tears, she asked me. 

“What are you planning, and how can I help?” Her voice, as always, was intertwined with threads of gold, making her words fall over me like a blanket full of support, of love, of everything I had felt with Her. 

I knew we would have to change. I knew that was easy for Kathrine. I explained everything to her, about my parents funding a secret bunker for us, about forgetting everything we once knew about ourselves. I told her about how I planned to take my love’s only family away from her. And Kathrine did everything she could, leaving behind everything except three things:

The blue streak in her now deep red hair.

Me.

And her love for me. 

 

So our plan went into action and unfolded flawlessly. With him tied to a chair nailed down to the floor in an underground safe space, Kathrine watched him. The only time she took her eyes off of him were to look at me or make food. And for the first few weeks, everything was fine. He was fed enough to keep him alive, but not living. Kathrine was happy because now, she was important to me.

And I had finally pushed my love far enough for me to have the chance to get her with me. So I kept my watchful eye on her, listening to every conversation I could. 

Until one day, everything changed. Her landlord said that he understood she was still grieving for her missing sibling, but the rent still needed to be paid. He offered a month of living spaces for the one thing she had left; Her body. 

She gasped in shock and kicked him out of the room, saying she’d be out by tomorrow. 

I couldn’t help myself from taking him, too. And when I whispered into his ear, the words “You sick bastard,” hanging in the air like a noose, he begged to be forgiven. The only forgiveness he was given was a blade so far in his back it would replace his vertebrae. 

But when She left that house the next day, never to return, she had a plan. With nothing but a few downloaded songs at her disposal, she walked. And I followed. 

All the way to the Golden Gate Bridge. 

If I didn’t say something now, stop her, I would lose. Everything I had worked so hard for, everything I had made Kathrine do for me, it would be wasted. 

If she died, I couldn’t bear to live anymore, either.

So I tried walking closer, and I knew I was still too far to reach her. I tried to speak, but my voice hitched, exploring the possibility that neither of us made it out of this. Because I would not live without her in my life. Not again. Never again. 

I fell to the ground, unable to do anything but stare. I knew I had to say something, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

“Hi.”

 

And suddenly, everything was over. 

 

My name was Silas Harlov.

And I was a horrible person. 

I was a horrible person until the only person I had ever loved, ever felt anything towards, shot my in the head with a gun, the bullet having had my name written on it. I was a horrible person because I took away everything that had once made my only love happy. I was a horrible person because I killed upwards of four people all in the name of love, kidnapped and tortured her.

I  _ was _ a horrible person because I was happy with myself.

Even asking for your forgiveness would be sinful at this point. 

And I’m not sorry.


End file.
